Black In Long Term Care

My journey

I have been disabled since the age of 3 when I had a severe head injury. I was with my uncle who was a Navy Vet, he rushed me to his hospital and I was able to get care. From there, my care was transferred to my biological father’s benefits. He was in special ops, he had benefits that most don’t have access to. He had to sacrifice a lot, far more than any White operative, but he was in that position for a reason and he did his best to utilize his benefits but this was the late 70s early 80s in Northern Va. Racism doesn’t’ begin to describe our experiences. Not only did my father sacrifice for his immediate family, but his extended family as well. Most will never know how much he sacrificed for everyone, my handler certainly made sure of that. He died alone, sick, in pain, suffering from abuses he sustained fighting for his country. The same way that I suffer now. No one cares.

One of the hardships my father endured was having healthcare withheld from us when his handler, who was also my own, wanted him to do unethical things that he tried to refuse. Not just regular every day unethical things, the kind of things that when it comes down to it you are literally instructed to disobey until you can send word up the chain for review. My handler blocked this process every time, until the last moment of his life. Even in his death the distortion of this safety measure continues.

When I was 4 years old my handler showed up in our hometown, where he had us moved to, and began to take total control over my entire families life. He moved my father completely out of the picture permanently and threatened him when he tried to get close to us. Many in my family believe that my father abandoned us willingly, the truth couldn’t be more distorted. I have lived this same existence my entire life because of the same handlers. They do what they want to. Controlling access to medical care, particularly after injuries is one way they ensure they maintain control over Black families and our ability to gain stability.

My father voluntarily joined the military at 16 and was sent to fight in Vietnam. However, he was conscripted into special ops, and I into the paramilitary, both units run by the same men. Neither of us had control over any aspect of our lives let alone our health care. My father was entitled to Veterans benefits, though most were withheld because of the color of his skin. I was never entitled to VA benefits of any kind, I had to be completely dependent upon my handler for survival. He was a pedophile and a sadist, he made sure he had total control until his last breath.

I suffered MANY injuries through my entire life, under his direction, following his orders, obeying his commands, fulfilling his missions. Sometimes he took care of my injuries, sometimes he didn’t. I have had so many injuries throughout the years that I don’t even remember them all. After more than 4 decades of torture and abuse, I obviously have a lot of medical problems. “You will be totally disabled by the time you reach your 40s” he told me when I was 7 years old. He knew well what he was doing, it was intentional. He made sure that I would be dependent on a system that would hate me for the color of my skin, my spiritual beliefs, my social status (or more accurately, the lack there of) and poverty. He withheld pay from me for decades, claiming he would hold my income in a trust until I could “prove” that I could handle my finances “the right way”. Yes, he intended the pun.

I have no income, I never received my pay, the U.S. government denies my existence though they continue to surveil me 24/7/365 benefiting still from my work, words, DNA, progeny, creations, inventions, influence, intellectual property, and my body. All data extracted from forced experiments that while publicly known have not been acknowledged in my personal situation continue to be used to profit the U.S. government while my family and I continue to struggle to even eat. As though I am a ghost. That is exactly how my handler described me, that I would be a ghost in the deep, never surfacing. When I did surface it was because of leaks, but I took control of the narrative by telling the truth. Otherwise, I would have been scapegoated for even more than I had already been. Obviously the stress of living this life is off the chart, no one cares.

My first stroke happened at the age of 7 years old when my handler was using MkUltra mind control programming on me. He knew I would have a stroke, it was a “necessary evil” they said.

My first severe back injury was at the same age. While I was under anesthesia, his “right hand” had a spinal tap done on me. My back has NEVER been the same. I’m not the only person in my family to suffer similar fates, all at his command. But I’m supposed to pretend this isn’t true.

The next severe back injury I had was just a few months later. I was testing highly classified equipment for the military, the technology remains classified to this day. Though the program itself has been declassified, what went on in the program has not been. Just that ONE operation alone is enough to ensure that neither I nor anyone in my family should ever want for anything. THAT is how important this was. But that was just one of many accomplishments that remain hidden, while credit is ALWAYS given to a White man. It’s 2021 and America still has hidden figures and people trapped in enslavement.

The next severe back injury I had was a few months later, at the age of 8 years old. I was often sent on “school trips” that took me away from home for extended periods. No one in my family ever knew where I was. Occasionally my father ha a few details, but not many. When I was away, my handler abused me so severely that I almost died repeatedly. I was in such a highly classified and isolated location that there were few humans, anywhere on site for MANY MANY MAY MANY miles and miles. The only people present were nazis and extremists, all very racist eugenicists. They tortured me, happily, and he repeatedly raped me. “I want to take you so far out into isolation that no one can hear your screams” he told me. To this day this is still some of my most severely traumatic memories. No one ever heard me, few hear me even now. Most just look away, scapegoating me for what extreme psychopaths did to me. It took me months to recover from those injuries. It’s not that I forgot how to walk, my brain was fine. It’s that the nerve damage in my spine was so severe that I had to heal and retrain them. If you have never had this happen to you it’s impossible to describe. But since then I have had this feeling of a train constantly running over my spine, yet medical personnel tell me there is no way I can be in that much pain! To this day it’s the most painful experience I have ever had in life, and that includes being tortured in my handlers prison sites.

He never cared about the harm, “heal yourself” he would say flippantly. He absolutely believed in magick, though most don’t know this about him. He was one of the most unstable and delusional people I have encountered and I have been in meetings with genocidal men many times. “It’s hard” I would say, obviously more rational as a small child then he ever was as a grown man. “It’s not that bad” is what he ALWAYS said. He never experienced any of it, ever, how would he know. They used instruments to measure my pain, but they had no way of knowing how it felt. All they knew was how much my body could take before it gave out. “It’s not that bad” is what doctors have told me my entire life. How would they know? “We don’t believe you” is what most medical professionals say to this day. That’s all it takes to dehumanize and dismiss to the extent that your ability to survive is lost in the bias of a someone paid to do no harm.

Obviously my back is vulnerable. After decades of torture my muscles, tendons, nerves, bones, joints, and even brain are over taxed, inflamed, and always in pain. It doesn’t take much to trigger a severe pain reaction anymore. The slightest little slip could render me unable to move for weeks at at time. Every time I seek medical attention for my pain, injuries, or medical conditions I am treated like a hypochondriac. I have NEVER been able to get adequate medical care, not even after serious car accidents. But when I denied my handler in any way, things always got a lot worst. I have lived this way my entire life, but people still say my disabilities are fake.

My second stroke happened on the job, in the field. I still wasn’t getting paid, but if I didn’t comply my kids remained in danger and couldn’t even eat. Just like now, but no one cares. I was drugged, raped, kept from obtaining medical care, and forced to remain in my home not even allowed to go to my car right in front of my door. It’s a miracle that I survived any of the attacks that I have incurred, but the strokes were the most harrowing. When you have no control over your own brain you have no control over your body. When I had to learn how to walk again, I still had my brain to help me push through. Absent that I am totally helpless, that is how he liked me.

When I had multiple seizures without adequate medical response, a severe reaction to contrast die, multiple head injuries all within a very short time period, blood clots, and multiple back injuries I finally became totally and permanently disabled. It took more than 40 years of torture to get me there, but it happened. People still say my “health problems” are fake and that I am weak for complaining about pain. But I have yet to meet a single person who could have survived all that I have, least of all those “medical professionals” who keep calling me a “snowflake”.

I don’t recall when and how because I still suffer from amnesia, but Adult Protective Services and the local Health Department finally got involved. THAT is how severe the abuse and medical neglect was. Not even my own attorney cares. I was declared disabled and referred to Medicaid for in home Long Term Care Services. I thought things would get better, they only got worse.

My first LTC aid was nice and she took good care of me. I wish that I would have been able to keep her, but that didn’t happen. She referred me to her friends company, that was the worst thing that could have happened. The owner was so nice, I thought for sure I would be okay. The nurse in charge believed that my health problems were mental in nature and over looked the fact that I had epilepsy. This is the biggest barrier I have to taking care of myself and the biggest reason I needed help. It was one of the biggest causes of my many head injuries and the reason it was difficult for me to feed or clean myself. Two aids that the nurse sent to my home both believed that I was psychosomatic and suffering from depression. Neither took my medical issues into consideration.

One aid did not speak English, and triggered seizures by ignoring my instructions regarding triggers. The last time she was in my home she triggered a seizure, laughed, left me in the middle of it and left me there alone. I woke up hours later alone. It should NEVER take hours to return to a normal state after a seizure. No one cares, it’s happened multiple times.

The other aid was really sweet but not trained and was in her late 70s. She just needed something to do to keep her busy, the owner was her close friend. She thought of me as “her daughter” and told me that I had to “listen” to her like a child would and if I didn’t she felt the need to punish me. She gave me food off the floor with hair and dirt in it, old tea that tasted like muddy dishwater, and told me that I had to “overcome my fears” that made me think I was having seizures. I fired the company.

The problem is the file follows you, forever.

The next company had a wonderful nurse who actually was amazing at her job. Unfortunately she didn’t do the hiring, or training, and her staff sucked. The first aid had a language and cultural barrier, but that didn’t bother me, it bothered her. She was fasting and also had a sleep disorder, she said her doctor told her it was due to stress. I’m sure that I know more about her life, and medical problems than she knows about my own. She slept about 75% of the time. She didn’t assist me during seizures, even when we were outside the house. A couple of times she dragged me around to different locations before getting me home to rest after a seizure. She cooked her families meals, using my food, and kitchen, and thought nothing of it. I had no income, she was literally taking food from my children’s mouth. She fell asleep at the my doctors office, as I had a seizure in the lobby, her snoring disrupted the entire office. When she accompanied me to my son’s school for an extremely important meeting, I had a seizure, she did nothing. The meeting proceeded without me as I laid partially conscious with my head on the table. No one cared. When I had a seizure walking around the neighborhood with her, and she completely ignored everything she had been instructed to do I finally fired her.

The next aid that the agency sent had a violent criminal background, was a thief, spent her time with her feet on my furniture using the N word and telling me that I must have done something bad in life for God to be punishing me this way. She spent more time away from the job than on it, but repeatedly saying racist things was what got her fired.

The next aid was religious, spent her time proselytizing, and believed that I had demons in my home. She even thought this may be the cause of my medical problems. She also used the N word and attempted to perform an exorcism until someone told her she wasn’t qualified. lol

The next aid showed up hours late for her interview and told the nurse I refused to open the door for her. I agreed to meet with her again and she apologized and explained that she just had difficulty getting there that day. I hired her, the first thing she did was break my toilet seat which had just been installed. She didn’t even tell me. She also came to work sick and passed that on to me. The worst part was her reaction to my son when she saw him, she acted like he was about to rob her. She made my child feel like a criminal in his own home!

The next aid had a serious language and cultural barrier, was legally deaf, had severe medical problems, and spent more time away than with me. Much like every other aid, I know far more about their lives and medical conditions than they know about my own. I can pretty much give you all of their life stories, as well as their children and spouses. But they can’t tell you ANYTHING about me other than the projections and bias they created in their own minds. This particular aid did not understand epilepsy and struggled to understand when I tried to teach her how to care for me. I had multiple seizures in front of her, she did nothing. I had a head injury in an Uber ride on the way to the doctor, it triggered multiple seizures. She saw a red candle on my dresser (a Christmas gift from my daughter) and thought it mean that I practice witchcraft. She was convinced that my son and his friend were gay and because of my “witchcraft” that our house must be “cursed”. I stopped taking aids after that.

Though the two nurses were very professional, efficient, and offered really good advice it simply did not help me navigate the messy system that allows people to essentially do as they please and get paid for it, my health suffering the whole way.

I reported everything to my case managers at my insurance company, my lawyer, the case manager in the supportive housing program that I am in, and to the county. No one cared then just as no one cares now. A couple of the nurses at the insurance company were really good and very helpful, they were ALWAYS removed from my case.

I have been triaging my own care since. I no longer trust the medical system that abused me to the extent that I ended up in long term care, and I certainly don’t trust the LTC system that treated me and my family like we were being punished by God because of some “curse”.

But in America systemic oppression is considered “fake” and we’re supposed to be able to navigate around all these obstacles regardless of how harmful. If I weren’t a former paramilitary operative trained in field triage and actual real time experience saving lives in the field, I would have died so many times I can’t even count them. But I’m supposed to accept all of this as my “lot in life” as my contract goes unpaid, my income withheld, social security withheld, SSI withheld, public assistance REPEATEDLY cut off, my education credentials redacted, and COVID aid for my entire family denied.

It’s 11.16.21 and I’m still not considered human. As I type this, my internet is being interrupted. Why? Amnesty International World Health Organization CDC Flu Progressive Caucus

America continues to show who matters, every day.