Endurance
Full Picture Poetry — A New Trail Of Tears Installment
When you were young
To you I was a picture
Pretty and perfect
But that of course is how children think
As you grow older and mature
You realize no one is perfect and
That truly when a person is authentic
As I have ALWAYS strived to be
Under the most extreme circumstances
That the person you see is typically an image
The projection of what you have yet to resolve within
We talked about it often
I wanted to be seen
For who I am
Not the image of what others project
It’s painful
So to me it’s important
If you’ve never experienced the harshness of no loving parent
Or family member
Then you can’t understand
I learned love from spiritual people
Whom I interacted with on various assignments
I have always been starved for affection and sustenance
So at a very early age I learned to live without it
Malnourishment has been my entire existence
Obviously I haven’t treated myself this way
Yet somehow so many choose to believe the men
Who created these conditions
Rather seeing me as a human being
Who deserves the chance to live
No matter
I keep it moving
I learned very early to adapt
I know that I will survive
Because I was ordered to do so without exception
So I did
No one cared about the abuses, the torture, the trauma
Or my feelings
As the world moved on
Prioritizing everyone else’s at my expense
So I learned to adapt to it
I learned to reflect what I needed for myself
Even while held captive
“We want to know what that kind of strength is”
They said
Experimenting on me and calling it
“Resiliency studies” UN Human Rights UNICEF Human Rights Watch
Comparing notes as to how my children stolen
Stack up to the ones enduring ethnic cleansing
“We want to see what happens”
That’s how I was raised
It was all about race
The actual study of Blackness
So if “race doesn’t matter”
Why do all those programs get funding
We aren’t doing it to ourselves
We don’t have the power to pass legislation! United Nations The White House Congressional Black Caucus Progressive Caucus
After so many decades
I no longer even know you
I have your rhythms to remember
Your frequency to look in
Swim in a little bit as I reminisce
Which is fine because I had no expectations
But to be left behind in such conditions
When all I ask is help when I need it
“Just tell the truth when I send up a flare”
But no responses?
No communication?
It’s heartbreaking
I get what he did
We all knew he would
But we also all knew what was going to happen
It’s just that most didn’t think I was worth any effort
Many thought I deserved it
Many accused me of having low self esteem and bringing it on myself
Many more accuse me of being cursed by God or some other higher power
Many believe it’s past life karma
But all of that is total b/s
Propaganda that I watched him create to hide their deviance
The world gobbling it up like candy
While I, my children, my family, the entire Black population
Lives and dies the consequences of their actions
No one cares
I expected more from those who considered themselves
More
But I have yet to see it
In the end
I’m still left with the image of other’s projections
Excuses for abandonment
I learn lessons in every experience
That’s why my spirituality takes precedent
I see how this primal fear was weaponized to extract my essence
It’s now my greatest strength
So he mislead you all to buy time
Where do you think this is all going?
Had anyone put thought into it
The truth and proof would be obvious
But the result is that
No one cares
At least not enough to be honest
Or to fight for justice
Or to make contact
Or to make reparation
Or to find solutions
As I constantly did when getting you elevated
It’s amazing to watch how the world change
With the help of my sacrifices
While all those who reached the top
Literally continue to profit off my enslavement
When the “slave” is disappointed
That’s a hell of a judgement!
“Is she a gold digger”
“Is she crazy or manipulative”
“Is she dangerous”
“Is she enemy or friend”
He was the master of getting into anyone’s head
Literally amassed millions doing it
No one should be surprised about such confusions
All were warned about it
I’m sitting in the deep
Alone
Abandoned
While all of you went off into the world
Seeking your wealth and privilege
Living it up
Living life
Living
Affluence, abundance, wealth, power, empire building
While I remain trapped
Enslaved
Abused
Alone
Pinned in
All I asked from anyone
“Please just tell the truth when I send up a flare”
What became of it?
It’s 2.2.22 and I’m still in chains UN Women
I’ve given ALL Vice President Kamala Harris
Receiving so little
If anything at all President Joe Biden
I’m forced to adapt to it U.S. Department of State
I’m in the red
Have been for decades
No one thought I was worth helping
Not enough to help me survive it
So I’m left with the memories
Of promises
Abandoned
Everyone returned in the same way they left
Wanting love or sex or both
Or ideas
Or energy
Or forgiveness
Giving nothing
But still making demands
What’s to be expected?
That my self esteem is so low
You can continue to abuse as he did?
The parallel is there
How unfortunate!
I’m a Black woman in America
This is how I have always lived
So did every generation before me
But somehow I brought this on myself?
Where is the evidence?
Oh that’s right
We can’t talk about it! Congressional Black Caucus
Even our own abandon us Progressive Caucus
The worst part is
He always said
“No one will help you”
Because he knew human nature
And he knew how to manipulate it
He knew how to keep me enslaved
But I helped EVERYONE
So the excuses don’t fit
If I could adapt
Give
Why can’t you
From your position of “blessings” and privilege
I only asked for truth from anyone
That was all the help I needed
Instead I got a lot of baggage
Excuses
Abuses
Abandonment
Accusations
Apologetics
Again and again and again and again
I haven’t let a single person down
Or left anyone behind
Yet here I sit
Still in chains
Having spent my entire life
Helping SO MANY break free
Money sure does have a way
Of revealing true nature
Power even more so
What then do you think affluence affects?
I’m still the woman I have always been
More mature
More dedicated to truth
More intent on justice
More focused on equity
But I’m still me
How anyone could conflate me with his projections
Is far beyond sane
You mean you don’t even trust yourself enough
To know that what we lived together was reality?
You don’t trust yourself enough to allow truth to be experienced?
You don’t trust yourself enough face reality and go within?
Who are you then?
I guess I never truly knew then did I?
Is that the real reason you are afraid?
I don’t deserve to be treated as I have been
As I am treated
I never deserved any of it
If you can find an excuse within you to feed your cognitive dissonance
To help you escape the pain of your own sins
Then you were never a friend
Truth is NEVER too much to ask
Not for someone who was always everything you ever asked
So if I’m not good enough
I say good riddance
I’ll draw my last breath knowing that I remained honorable
Good luck with your transition
I’ll move on as I intended
Not allowing myself to be held down by other people’s b/s
Freedom can be found in every moment
Even with the most advanced chains to keep you in bondage
“I’ll break you”
Has been the threat my entire existence
Yet here I sit
Still me today
After decades of torture
Bent but unbroken
I don’t need the memory of every encounter to know who I am
I speak frequency
In this universe
Signals are the loudest, strongest, most enduring power there is!
