I Had To Take It Metaphysical
Wouldn’t you? This man was a demon, and he attracted only the worst demons. “Are you Satan” I used to ask, he would laugh with his head thrown behind him. “I don’t know, maybe” he would say flirtatiously, I was five, he was in his forties.
“You have nowhere to go” he would say, looking like a serial killer. He became my father, he wasn’t of course but it was what he wanted so that is who he became in my life. That’s power, nothing stopped him, he was dripping in it. People worshiped him because of his raw power, all of the other stuff was just extra to them. It’s his undeniable power that people are drawn to or repulsed by, like Dracula. He had a magnetic grip on some people and triggered extreme loathing in others. He didn’t understand the differences in reactions and wanted to know why they existed. You could never be neutral about him, he wouldn’t allow it. “Neutrality is treason” he used to say. Everything to him was Black and White and if it didn’t present that way to others, he controlled the situation so that it would. He molded the world to fit him, his extreme thinking, and his sadistic and predatory behaviors. He was not a sane man.
Yet in the end, all he really wanted was the love he never experienced, his debauchery always drowned it out. True, actual, unconditional love. He didn’t care how he got it, he just wanted to not feel alone anymore. He wanted everything he had been denied in life. The kind of healthy, pure love that a mother gives when she sets appropriate boundaries. The kind that a healthy, loving father provides when he disciplines fairly with a life lesson knowing you walk away with jewels from those moments. He wanted the kind of innocent love that a healthy brother and sister have when they look out for one another. A sister that would look out for his soul, his eternal life, his metadata. His digital and eternal self to him was the same as his physical self. He wanted someone who could live his reality with him and he never stopped searching for it. I actually encouraged him to do that, in consenting adults. He did, but that wasn’t his preference. If I could understand that as a small child, why couldn’t he and why was he allowed to prey?
I never felt the same way he did and he always saw that as a betrayal. I always felt my digital self is a watered-down version of who I am. He knew that this was true, particularly considering how algorithms are used to manipulate outcomes. What is presented on the internet, in media, on TV, radio, in public records, medical files, case files, none presents an accurate picture of who an individual is. It can provide clues given the data is accurate, the margin for error is vast particularly for marginalized populations. The prospect of manipulation is a given 100% of the time with all forms of information and communication, this cannot be ignored. He made sure that he was seen in a particular light, and I in a particular shade. He forced me to live this my entire life, he died hiding billions. I remain impoverished, he took my money with him.
He liked having total dominance and control, he believed it was his birthright. He kept me dependent upon him, crippled, disabled, sick, wounded, slandered, ostracised, and penniless. I have fought it for 46 years, I am tired.
I loathed all of it. Being stuck under him for all of this life, and perhaps others it seems, at least that was his belief. It’s not natural, what life form gave birth to enslavement? That’s an unnatural machination of a sick mind, it should be condemned not glorified!
It’s only natural that the ancients chose me to deal with this kind of conundrum. I’m not the kind of person that could ever just “let it go”. Like, never, ever. Not in any lifetime, ever. Like “I will follow you into the next 10 lifetimes to hold you accountable for the chaos you have caused here” type of relentlessness. Mama Bear on one billion! It’s how I’m built, and the underdog is ALWAYS who I champion! Always I protect the oppressed, so it’s interesting that I am one of those individuals who was born into circumstances that would bring this kind of challenge into my life.
“I was born for a reason,” my kids say. It’s in our DNA and it’s doesn’t go away. We know who we are and why we are born during these hectic days. We are here not only to keep awake but to see with the most expanded vision what the world hasn’t seen since it became aware of the last holocaust that lasted thousands of years.
Humanity is not the highest order in the cosmos, so what would a higher power do to get the attention of blind, deaf, and often dumb creations that cannot seem to learn from the past? Desperate times call for desperate measures do they not? We have information encoded in our genetic code for a reason, the survival of the species. My handler knew this, he used it to control and abuse me. He used it to enslave me. He used it to trap my entire community. “Trap” was the term he used to describe the forms of attack extremists use for marginalized communities. He taught me the trap, then put me in it like a “hamster on a wheel.” He was sick and no one noticed except the people closest to him, and they empowered his sickness rather than encouraged healthiness. The world has suffered for this selfishness.
Everyone who has ever been told to keep watch, who was ever trained to be on the lookout, who was ever taught to see with the inner eye, who was ever blessed with knowledge so arcane that few among humanity ever learn it. To everyone who knows they have a part to play, every one of us is awake and we did not come to play. We all know why we are here, this toxic cycle of chaos and confusion ends now. We’re here to ensure that. Yes, change is scary, but if you didn’t want it you wouldn't have been born human. We are all energy before we come into this reality, we don’t agree to harm ourselves, we agree to help heal. We know that it will be difficult but we don’t know what that feels like until we live it. Embodied souls have difficulty maintaining our energy and awareness in the denseness of this 3D world and that’s how sickness enters in. There have to be enough people to willingly, intentionally choose higher evolutionary cycles over the previously chaotic and destructive ones. Those who are consciously choosing to help humanity heal must be greater than or have a greater impact than those who choose to either remain the same (back to normal) or choose to regress (go back to the good ole’ times).
Regardless of what anyone chooses, violating human rights will never be the solution it is always the problem.
We all have a different purpose. I never wanted mine to be spent wasting away in a bunch of classified bases with a sadistic psychopath who “just couldn’t help himself”. Who the hell would want that? Not me, it’s where I ended up, for a reason. There were a lot of kids like me! I was just one in the sea, he pointed that out to me constantly. He also pointed out how I could be thrown back into poverty where he fished me out and gave me a middle-class lifestyle. “How do you think your family will feel”. I think he used that line on all of my family. There was no form of abuse off-limits to him. he used them all and even created new forms. He enjoyed it.
I always deserved better than that, everyone does. He couldn’t understand how I could feel that way, he wasn’t used to having to accept rejection. In his world, his behavior was normal so for me to reject it was painful to him. Some of my most bone-chilling memories are of him getting jealous about a perceived or even justified rejection and acting upon it based on his own personal “code of ethics”. It always resulted in my being tortured and blamed for it.
Even to reject any aspect of that ritualistic process was a fundamental rejection of who he was as a person, in his mind. He enjoyed the chase but only so far. Even when I was very young he would get incredibly upset about me attempting to establish boundaries. “There can be no boundaries with us” he constantly demanded. It was like being married to and raised by Satan. It most certainly rips your soul apart, only to have it invaded by his own. Language is a powerful tool in that process, when severely tortured and traumatized it invades your mind when you are at your weakest. He knew well how to engage this process, he lived for it. I grew up under it, this is what he called “survival of the fittest”. If you CAN dominate then you are superior, that was his mantra. His cronies live by it, make mind-boggling life-altering choices with that core belief in mind, and the world suffers for it.
It hurt him more than anyone knew, but he was very good at masking his pain. he should have worked on healing it, “I’ve tried!” He used to scream, but he didn’t try hard enough. “Not everyone is like you!” He wasn’t sure how wI kept finding the strength to defy him, to heal, to refuse to submit to enslavement. He couldn’t understand how it was possible, it worked on everyone else. He always saw me as the one that got away for that reason, the best he could do was “put me on the shelf” for decades. Torture me, try to make me forget, but he couldn’t break me. Regardless of what has happened and what I have forgotten, nothing has taken away my core, my soul, my essence. I am still me and that is why I keep fighting for freedom, I KNOW I matter even if every other human on the planet fails to see it! I don’t even need anyone to see me, I just know that I deserve to be seen as a human with human rights and have them protected as all humans should.
He made the choice to truly embraced the lie that engulfing himself in disease, chaos, sadism, debauchery, and Libertineism was his genuine path to evolving his soul. He told himself, willingly, he even discussed the process with me, that he was entitled to do what he wanted to me. “If you were my wife in a past life, and you are here now, you are my wife still” that’s what he told me. I was five years old. He truly believed he understood life, nature, reincarnation, resurrection, energy, humanity. This too made him feel entitled and superior. His cronies as well. “If you are an advanced soul it doesn’t matter the age of your body, age is just a number,” he told me all of my life. I never agreed or believed, but I had no other option than to obey. He made his beliefs mainstream, some aspect of his teachings permeate 100% of Western culture and has even infiltrated every nation, somehow. He understood power, he had the power of influence and he knew well how to use it. He was groomed in this. The same way he was groomed to be a powerful, affluent elitest, he groomed me to be his servant. I’m supposed to accept that this is “my plot in life”?
I kept telling him that it was impossible to evolve while harming unnecessarily, he never believed it until the end. He didn’t understand the pain, the suffering, the vulnerability, the weakness, the powerlessness, the unfairness, the violation that he caused. Those feelings were not available to him. His brain had to go through a process that happens before death when the pineal gland releases vast amounts of DMT and your life sort of plays back to you like a movie. People have no idea how obsessed he was about this process, he knew it could help him intentionally manifest where he wanted his consciousness to go after death. He had a plan and he not only wanted to see it through, but he wanted to show the world how it works. That’s what he used me for, signals. “I want to make sure I control what information you take into the future” he used to tell me. I can literally still smell him.
He had prepared for those moments his entire life. He used me to help him prepare, kids have more DMT accessible to them during developmental years, he enhanced this process and he manipulated it. He essentially required my brain, on multiple levels. All of this to hide everything he was doing! THAT is how lonely this man was, not only him, his entire cohort of cronies. There are a lot of them and they are very wealthy.
He liked to experiment on children because of the “sponginess” and malleability during developmental years. His mother was a teacher, they both put a lot of work into this “eutopia” of theirs. Looking back on it now I can see how it was impossible for my mind to grasp, it was just so dark. I can see how easy it was for them to prey on my innocence, my desire to be good, my empathy. All weaknesses to their kind, and that means I deserve to be preyed upon because I couldn’t evolve fast enough. This is what they believe. But he could never understand that people evolve in different ways and all are valid, intelligent, evolutionary, and beneficial.
Kids have access to more information than adults do, they lack the jadedness that inevitably comes with living in a toxic environment for an extended period. He understood this and used children to experiment, to program, to manipulate, to mold, to abuse. to do whatever they decided. They knew the process of pineal expansion, DMT, and how it expands the consciousness for humans. “We need to control this process” he used to say indignantly. They are so xenophobic that they literally couldn’t deal with looking at how a brain normally develops!!! It freaked them out! They knew that’s why children's brains are so different, the growth, developmental changes, chemical changes, etc. all serve to help the human expand consiously. When this process is impaired in any way, it impeded development for the brain. Understanding this should give his “I want to be your center, your frame of reference” commands to me when I was five years old should make all humans uncomfortable.
Society hardens the pineal with chemicals, toxins. It atrophies and develops crystals. To undo this harmful process, the body must be rid of toxins. This can’t happen for poor people, ever. He literally made it impossible for poor people to rise above not only poverty but trauma inflicted by others, and trapped us here. Then he designed an agenda that would broaden the target population to engulf a large swath of the middle class. So yeah, I’m triggered watching his agenda unfold. All he could offer me before he died was “obey” or “submit” and the “suffering ends”. What guy. Isn’t that something Satan would say just before he is sent back to hell? He could have just made sure I got paid, but no, Satan wouldn’t do anything like that. Would he?
He embraced evil on the scientific, metaphysic, spiritual, religious, pseudoscientific, theoretical, militaristic, and mental levels. If Satan were ever real, it would be him. He is Satan for sure. I’m not religious and I view all ancient texts and scripts as valuable, living, breathable documents that can be useful clues of where we have been so that we can better view how to move forward into the future. I don’t choose to worship any path or person, or guru, or God, I expand my awareness to connect with the guidance of the moment. It’s kept me alive but toxins destroy that process. It gets harder the older we get. We are literally simply spiritual people devoted to studying the spiritual path, and it scares people so much that our “wokeness” which is literally our spiritual practice is “vilified” even in the halls of Congress. We have no freedom, anywhere, this is wrong.
We’re tired of the gaslight, this is obviously systemic oppression and our entire community is under attack for speaking out against it. Where is the true insanity here?
He had such a profound dark side because every aspect of society pointed him in that direction and rewarded him for being the embodiment of it. He had no reasonable way to express himself, he was lonely. No one could understand what it was like to be him until he found a kid with the ability to see that in everyone. “Too good of a blessing to ignore” he used to tell me. It wasn’t an easy conclusion for him, everything was negotiated like a business transaction. The only time I out-negotiated was when he was distracted, only one thing distracted him with me.
“Never bite the hand that feeds you” he used to say. He had a skewed way of viewing EVERYTHING! The blessing was knowing that the universe loved even him, sent even him a divine being not for abusing but for healing. Instead of learning how to heal, which he could have done, he embraced evil and wallowed in it claiming to be the victim! He lied to the planet, about everything, and got angry when people saw through his gaslight. He chose to abuse, he chose sickness and did so knowingly with his own free will. He is the one who taught me that you either have two choices, bully or victim. He never understood subtlety, neutrality, balance, or harmony. He missed every cue, every time. He knew he was embracing darkness and he didn’t care. It’s blasphemous and pure evil. He knew who he was on the inside, he finally wanted everyone else to know. No one cared. It was the image that he represented that became his demagogue, it had more power and control than he did. In the end, he became the snake swallowing its own tail, his own false image swallowed him whole.
Who was prepared to deal with all of that? He never met anyone, not even those he thought were at least somewhat like that. But these people exist, and in vast numbers. They are those left behind as “not good enough” they are supercharged, super angry, and super extreme. Thanks to “the war on terrorism”, “the war on drugs”, “the war on crime”, “the war on poverty”, “the war on liberals”, what is quite obviously a “war on women’s rights”, a “war on voting rights”, a “war on Black Americans”, and pretty much whatever they want to war against, they do whatever they want and we’re supposed to take it. I see his minions running around creating chaos as they are always trained to do. It’s disgusting and it’s treason.
He wasn’t interested in health, not by the time I met him. But he had looked for solutions when he was younger, they weren’t there. It’s actually quite unusual for people like him to look for help, but those that do are more likely to make positive pro-social adjustments. In other words, if he had the correct intervention earlier, he would have been a different man. He knew this, he felt destined to be evil, and he was surrounded by people who fed him that narrative constantly. How would you develop? He was who he was because society made him that way, if it could happen to a “golden boy” why couldn’t it happen to me? It did, but no one cared.
People like him, once they have become entrenched, don’t have a desire to change. Why should they, there is no consequence for what they do to vulnerable people other than possible social isolation in limited circumstances. When they have money, the opposite is true, they are worshiped. He made even immunity possible for them, they are far more protected than their victims that’s for sure! Particularly in my state, but I’m supposed to accept that, as well as all the trauma and torture, and attacks, and theft, and abuses, patiently, quietly, with no lube or truth. I would be “unstable” if I believed that, wouldn’t I?
The truth is, he never wanted to deal with being permanently separated from me. I was a battery for him, literally. He had his own beliefs about life, he went around the world collecting information and beliefs that he eventually put into his own narcissistic form of supply spiritualism. He utilized occultic, cult, medical, psychological, biochemical, and every technological advancement known in sci-fi to create the world he wanted.
When I reached one of his ridiculous milestones, he would reward me with a ridiculous gift. Like cliff diving in an unexplored location or a quick trip to an exotic place I’ve never been, or to be one of the first to test new tech or more advanced training. In those ways, he spared no expense. In those ways when there were no boundaries it was beneficial, but he would say “you’ll have to pay for some of it” so was it ever really a gift? Or payment? Or a quid pro quo fulfilled? Or was it an old man manipulating an extremely vulnerable kid for profit? The only thing he refused to teach me was how to free myself, how to be independent of him, how to have my own money, or make decisions for myself outside of HIS wishes. In every way, I was dependent upon him, but abandonment forces you to jump, it’s up to you if you fly or fall. I’ve done both, more times than I can number. This time I’m flying.
My life, my voice, my experiences, my truth, these are my wings. I have grown four new ones, I shall use them as I feel the liberty to do so. I have worked for freedom, more so than anyone I know. I earned the privilege to be authentic, so I am. I built the bridges that I cross, he built the ones that I burned. I kept my oath and my promises to the best of my ability. I consistently chose not to harm innocents, and that has never changed. I proved that predation is a choice, not a natural consequence. His work needed to prove that they were natural so that the “human rights” of predators would take precedent over their prey. “You have to prove that you are somehow superior to us in order to have your rights honored above our natural instincts” he used to teach me. “You will always be behind, I will make sure of it”. He never wanted us to have the ability, to tell the truth. “I’m pretty good at maintaining control” he used to say. He was so wrong, so often that I learned very early on to question everything all of the time. It’s the only way I have been able to survive, the irony, he taught me not only to do it but how. Yeah, he was that type! The sadistic guy who creates trauma, and watches you overcome it, only to do it all over again. He’s that guy, that was him, that’s what I grew up surviving. Do you think I don’t see beyond the smokescreen? He designed it all, laughing at everyone as he did it! “They think I’m not good enough for them, I’ll have the last laugh” he would say. He knew more than anyone else I have ever encountered, this man was in the middle of every damn thing. He made a lot of money being that guy. I was right there at his side, watching him do it. No one ever stopped him, he got away with it all! THAT’S the big steal mfrs should be talkin’ ‘bout!
In all the bullshit, dude I just choose to be me. For real, do you know how hard it was to get here! To get free! I can’t let me go, not after all I have been through! Never again! I choose me, this highest best possible version of me. I have every right to be free to be me, regardless of who thinks otherwise. I have the right to make the kind of choices that benefit me, my life, my best good, my family, our conscious growth and development. I have the right to put our lives above those of all others, every human does. We are certainly all equal but when it comes to defending the home front, my progeny are my responsibility. I have every right to defend them!
If others don’t believe we are human, that’s their problem. We’re tired of suffering under tyranny and oppression because other people failed to teach their kids not to abuse based on xenophobic reactions to unresolved psychological issues. I’m into saying the silent part out loud these days. Reacting to bigotry is not mental illness, the actual mental illness is the bigotry. That used to be a normal, everyday, clearly understood aspect of American society. One that we knew had to be addressed and one we all fought for. But ever since America elected a Black man as president (which all Black people knew we would be punished for, we did it anyway, just like we did in the south in the 1700s) the far-right has gone above and beyond to ensure we never attempt freedom and equality again. But we’re supposed to adhere to a gaslight so deep that it is literally mind control, and we are considered the “unstable” ones if we don’t. THAT is how deep the grip of extremism has on the minds of not just Americans, but anyone with access to American social media.
America is in deep, so why would I stop sounding the alarm? United Nations
It’s those fighting against equality, humanity, equity, and sustainability that we have to contend with. No reasonable person believed that so many would choose to follow sexual predators, but my abuser did. He may not have wanted tyranny, but he wanted a world where predators could roam freely and victims were blamed for the abuse. Why? He felt like the victim. He felt it was society’s fault for not providing him with narcissistic, pedophile supply. He’s like one of the first incels, we used to talk about it all the time. He is them, they are him. Those cults are his. He had a whole program where he had teams locating cults and infiltrating them. No one could hide, he ran that operation the same way he did sleeper cells. There were so many people who agreed with him that he didn’t have to seek help, they came to him. THEY funded the program, follow the money #Congress The White House
You are dealing with factions, within factions, but all have one common goal, occupation. This is NOT to be taken lightly.
He created the world he wanted to create, then he died and left everyone else behind to clean up the mess he made. He thought it was funny then when he was planning it, and he thought it was funny as he left this life. “Why should I have to suffer because society refuses to evolve, it’s a natural part of humanity” is what his argument was. But much like the missing details of 9/11 it was totally a manipulation. He never told people about all the torture, trauma, drugging, genetic modification, and assaulting it required to create this scenario. He made it sound like eutopia to his people, the apocalypse to the religious right, the MEE to military and intel, and BIG GOV propaganda to the independents. He controlled all of the narratives, that way he always knew what was going on with who, what, where, when, why, and how. He used me for many things but one of the main things was to be the first to sense when he (or one of his high-paying cronies) was in danger. They knew exactly the kind of relationship that had the longest range of frequency across all spectrum, time, space, dimensions, everything. They knew the consequences, and they did it anyway. Not only because I was a Black kid and no one cared, but some people did try to care and their lives were sacrificed for it. But also because of the ramifications, weakness is provocative. Not only here, but everywhere. He was the guy who was so diabolical, so sadistic, so disturbed that he could come up with a counterattack for anything! So they fed his sickness, and that meant my total compliance. His sickness made them money, more weapons, gave them ultimate power and total domination, why would anyone care about my suffering?
He didn’t tell anyone about his “pain compliance” program rooted in “enhanced interrogation” tactics that he learned from POW torturers from all around the world, even throughout history. He certainly didn’t tell most people that he used these tactics on children, on me. He was in love with power, and he lusted after torture because it made him feel powerful again. There were many people in his family, his society, at schools, college, scouts, there were many who took his power from him. To them, it was a normal part of society. In certain parts of Black America, it became our plight to be their prey. That’s why “we like to keep ’em just above poverty” he would always say with a grin. He was legit “massa”. He was a living nightmare. “That way they can’t get away”, the population he was referring to was not only Black people as a whole but children, victims. He went through it all the time, he saw no reason why anyone should be protected from what everyone he knew endured constantly. If mainstream society wouldn’t address it willingly, he would force it by any means. So he did.
He lost his power as a kid, “everyone should feel what I have felt. You certainly will!” He never trusted anyone who didn’t think like him, that should tell you about EVERYONE who always surrounded him. If you didn’t think like him, behave like him, then you had to be in total compliance otherwise you were a “threat”. When I was a kid keeping me in compliance was easy, when I became a teen it was more difficult, he used help. When I became an adult, he used “enhanced interrogation” and “pain compliance” as he did when I was a kid. When he got tired of devoting all the time, energy, effort, money he just put me in “The Trap” and left me here to die in a pandemic and a holocaust. “The Trap” is the nickname wealthy people gave to the system of oppression they put into place for Black Americans. He and his wealthy friends taught me that from their own mouths, not Black America. We experience the trauma and get scapegoated for the consequences. But I’m supposed to ignore all of that and pretend I don’t see it, I didn’t live it, it’s not still happening? WTF
To him, I am the ultimate betrayer for “abandoning” him. “If you truly love me then you will obey everything I demand of you without hesitation, if you don’t truly love me then I can’t trust you, if I can’t trust you then you are a threat and you know how I deal with threats”. That’s how he raised me from my earliest memories until his death. He literally hired people to stalk on his behalf when he couldn’t himself or couldn’t be bothered to do it himself. This is how I have lived my entire life like it’s normal. I guess people are like “you dealt with it all that time why say anything now” because I never had the chance before now! THAT’S how bad it was! It is! Are you hearing me! No one should ever have to experience this, ever, for any reason. Humanity must do better.
I was always meant to be “eternal supply”, but why would I consent to that? He was THAT psychotic even when I was five. I could see it, kids can sense things adults miss. I saw it clearly, to this day it’s the single most disempowering moment I have ever experienced. This and he used to do things like drug me, when I woke up I would be in some extremely dangerous situation. I had to think my way through it, at the end was always assault. This is how he raised me, like a machine. But I am the one looked at as “mentally unstable” and not him. See the gaslight? That was HIS diabolical plan.
It didn’t change when I was 15, 25, 35, or 45. It won’t change now, he left measures in place to ensure that I would continue to suffer. There are people who could help if they would just tell the truth, release my credentials, stop the shadow bans, hold abusers accountable, pay me what I am owed, any one of those things would be helpful. Yet it’s 9/11/21 and I have yet to receive anything, not even COVID relief or disability. But I’m supposed to believe that I am the “unstable” and “delusional” one for fighting for my own life? Again I ask, what kind of powerful magic is this? Seriously!
As I said, I have every right to choose myself. My humanity. My family. My highest destiny. The first 45 years of this life were spent enslaved to people who are literally trying to eradicate my entire race. Do you honestly think I survived all of that to simply say “okay, let it go, the past is the past”? You don’t know me. He did.
When all are all and justice is peace then the public purge will end, until then no justice no peace.
#HonorMyContract #HoldAbusersAccountable #NoMoreImmunity
