I Wonder
Still looking for EQUALITY
My internet connection is interrupted so heavily that I cannot even stream a single YouTube video without constant buffering. I get hacked all day every day. The internet is my only connection to the outside world, I can’t even use telephones. Not only because I am totally, permanently, and fully disabled, but also because I have been kettled into a position of absolute enslavement by men who have controlled, abused, and trafficked me my entire life. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month but no one knows because every other issue is more concerning. In America, the target of abuse is always held to accountability while the abuser walks free. Yet the whole reason the world is tanked is because the world ignored domestic violence. Domestic violence leads to Sexual violence leads to community violence leads to terrorism, but no one understands the connection except those who either advocate against or those who advocate on behalf of. But we’re expected to pretend these issues don’t matter and continue placing the blame on the scapegoat like the centuries old religious practice. But these aren’t goats that are being slaughtered, we are the “proverbial” goats in more ones than one. No one ever understood that a person could be “perceived” as a goat, even when they aren’t one. All puns intended.
My controller raised me with the awareness that the worst thing a little girl could ever experience in life is to be sexually abused by her father for extended periods without aid and intervention. He then took over my life, pushed my biological father aside, became my fictive father and controlled every breath I took until the day he died. That was weeks ago as far as I am concerned, but in clear terminology it’s been several months. Truth be told it feels more like days ago, but I don’t think anyone could possibly understand. How could you, he made sure that I would be so isolated in this world that there wouldn't ever be a single person who knew me. Not the real me anyway, and he enforced this strategy with extreme violence and torture. He made sure I completely understood that I was stuck, in other words the “scarlet” woman was literally stoned to death for decades.
This man made sure that I would always have to look not only to him but in his absence his teachings, in order to simply survive or to protect those I love. It may seem like a lot of trouble to go to, and it is. But you have to understand how severely delusional sadistic pedophiles can be. If you don’t understand how controlling an obsessive an already unstable person can be, you won’t ever be able to understand his ability to render anyone powerless at will. I grew up watching him do it my entire life, when it happened to me it seemed inevitable. At times, when I was really young and vulnerable, I used to think that surrender was the best option. But he wasn’t interested in someone weak. He liked the surrender, not because he wanted me broken but because he liked to force me to give in only to watch me heal just so he could do it again. When and if I ever decided to give up, on the slightest of things, he punished me relentlessly with my worst nightmares until the sick cycle started all over again. He called it “courting”, I don’t think he understood how much like an animal he truly was. Dealing with him forced me to face my demons head on, without hesitation. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have survived. People see my strength and call me the demon, and that’s sad. It’s literally people reflecting what’s on the inside of them and projecting onto an already vulnerable target. It’s not that I am incapable of being a demon, it’s simply that I choose better for myself.
It’s 10.25.21 and America continues to state that it is fair, equal, and just yet I can’t even connect to the internet on a regular basis. The only way I have of connecting to the outside world is through the internet, and even that ability continues to be attacked. Meanwhile, the insurgency is alive and kicking, well funded as they go. While all three branches of government continue to remain hamstrung and the consequences is mass suffering and death in marginalized communities.
What’s worst, I live in a thriving suburb, to be imprisoned around thriving industries and busy bees is worst than being surrounded by fellow prisoners in a hovel. In prison you are among people who feel just as you do. I am more isolated, surrounded by people who see nothing wrong with the harm that is intentionally being done to me by abusers and only a character flaw within me for falling on hard times and talking about it. I haven’t even been able to access COVID cash relief or SNAP benefits for food, let alone adequate healthcare, disability benefits, or payment of my contract. But I’m supposed to accept this as my “lot in life” and die in agony to protect the lies of the pedophiles who trafficked me all while covering for their flying monkeys??? If I did do that then I would in fact be insane. Progressive Caucus
I wonder how much Black life matters to the world? UN Human Rights
