If They Couldn’t Break Me
No one can!
“Here we can be almost as free as we want to be. There are no laws here about pedophilia but you still have to be mindful of anyone who may be watching. We have a security team with us, they are loyal to me and we don’t have to worry about them. Check your locations and see if you spot them, do you see them? Good. It’s what we don’t see coming that we have to be mindful of. Keep your senses open, your eyes and ears. Tell me the first second you sense anything. I’m going to get a little tipsy tonight while I watch you dance. You know how I love that. But the last time I saw you dance I wondered what it would be like to watch you in the open, relaxed, tipsy. To be free to do whatever we wanted, I love fulfilling these fantasies with you. It’s very important to me. I’ve never been able to get tipsy before, not out in the open like this. I’ve never had someone I could trust enough to have my back, this is exciting. This may be the only time we are ever able to do this, I want to make the most of it. A lot of people go without clothes here, you can do that if you feel comfortable. No one will think it’s strange, it’s normal here. You can get as deep into a trance as you like, we will protect you. Open up and get as wild as you want, it may be a very long time before you have the opportunity to be this free again.” I was seven years old, we were in an extremely remote part of the world. Several very popular songs were made about these moments. When I hear them played, it triggers me every single time.
He planned everything, down to the last second of his life and how he would spend it. Every other human was just a pawn in his game, that’s how he lived his life. “When I die, make sure you play the song My Way. That’s how I want to be remembered.” He didn’t realize how narcissistic he was, he only understood that the label fit and he didn’t care. That’s all that mattered, his way. Even when he negotiated, made concessions, agreements, he still was getting his way even when he made it look as though you were. He was a master manipulator who didn’t just stop at family, close ties, politicians, he wanted to manipulate the world. So he did, I watched him do it every day of his life until he died. Protected and honored every step of the way. The only person to suffer any consequences in this matter has been me.
We were no where near any modern civilization. I was always on trips like this with him, completely isolated and dependent upon him for survival. This was normal life for me, us. It was insane, I could be gone for a few hours or a few days. But in the short time I would experience completely different worlds. Even though I was being abused, it became hard to go home, I was being abused there too. At least when traveling I had moments of happiness, mental escapes, a taste of what I was sure freedom felt like. People used to tell me “he’s just territorial” and that was true. He saw it the same way, but he knew how extreme he was with me. Overseas he could tell people anything, that I was his slave, his wife, his girl friend, his asset, his mistress, whatever he felt like saying. “Soon there will be laws against this. I have to take advantage of it now” he would say. All I could think about was what it must be like to be free.
His obsession was so severe that it bothered him to the point of affecting his work. That had never happened to him before. At least not in a way that he felt he couldn’t control. With me he would get off balance and have to take breaks. Sometimes he was ordered to. One reason for having the other handler was to avoid situations like his, were one becomes so unbalanced they cannot perform their duties correctly. When I complained, he would get some relief but he ALWAYS punished me for it.
He never looked inside himself and said “oh, maybe I should make different decisions”. Instead he always pointed the finger at me, the child, when anything went “wrong” and said “you need to do a better job of taking care of me so that I don’t have to carry the burden. I shouldn’t have to worry about anything, you should be able to take that from me.” I used to get mad and scream “get it from your wife!” But they had ALL told me how they all felt so there was absolutely no illusion there. “YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT ENOUGH!” That comment always got him worked up. When he got angry like that he would usually walk away, but he disrespected more when I didn’t fight back. “If you have no fight that means you are apathetic, if you are apathetic that means you don’t love me and probably never did. You only hate when you once loved.” That’s why he liked to evoke arguments with me, torture and abuse were positives for him. That’s how sick he was, that’s what I had to learn to navigate growing up. When kids my age were playing at the playground, I was figuring out how to outsmart one of the world’s most deviant and powerful sadistic pedophiles. So yeah, it was tough, but I learned. That’s why I’m still here.
THAT’s how he raised me, dumping not only his but his cronies toxicity on me like I’m a human trash can. It wasn’t just his problems I had to navigate, it was all of the men who attached to me. There were always at least a minimum of five. It was his way of keeping me under control, making money, securing his power, and ensuring that I had no escape. It’s literally the definition of hell in every way. Every time people always commented about my “soul going to hell” I always recognized in every moment how I was already there and they didn’t even see it. Two worlds for sure! They treated me like a trash can. That was how they saw it, they just didn’t see themselves as trash. But I’m supposed to remain silent about how twisted they were and how horrifically I was treated because it offends the delusions of privileged people. Yet we’re still told privilege is “fake”.
To be Black in America is to be suffocated at all times, all day, every day, in every way, for lifetimes and no one cares. UN Women
He got tipsy, it was the first time I had ever seen him that way in public. “Now you’re free to do whatever you want.” We had to take turns so that each of us could watch the others back. He liked for me to dance because “dancers make the best fighters” he said. I choreographed a lot of dances that I never received credit for, much like the music that I wrote, or the creative pieces I co-produced. When credit was given, he gave it to one of his own pseudonyms. “What do you need money for” he would scream at me when I asked him why he was taking my payments. “You didn’t have any when you woke up this morning, why is it any different now”. It didn’t matter how bad off my family was, my money was his money. He felt he had the right to abuse every ounce of my essence, mind, body, soul. Exploit me in every way, profiteering as he went. Pimping me out to whomever he chose and making millions all along the way, but I was to never have access to a penny and that was my “fate” in life. I never agreed to this, why would I?
Whenever I saw him tipsy it was in a highly secured environment. He often liked to go out with his friends, get drunk, and see me late at night. There were several years where that was the norm, he acted as though he had two sets of families. It was ridiculous, I was between five and nine. So many people knew, no one cared. He even arranged visits to very highly profiled public institutions, men have always done it he was just elated to be doing it with a child and still powerful enough that he knew no one would lead it. No one ever did, never once! “The most powerful men bring their mistresses here” he would say. I was so young, five, six, seven, eight, nine. It was insanity and no one cared. In that world pedophilia is the norm, and they aren’t even the worst of their kind. The only thing anyone ever cared about was my Black skin and how I was “infiltrating” their White world. As if I wanted to be anywhere near them! He forced me into their world, “you’re going to walk in my shoes” he told me when I was five. I didn’t want any part of any of it, I just wanted the education I was promised. When people begin talking about “normal” this is what I am reminded of. The very men screaming “get back to normal” are the ones committing these crimes, of course they don’t want change. This happened to me all through school beginning in Pre-K, at the schools, in the schools, transferred to and from schools, programs attached to the schools. When people are hesitant to trust what leaders in this country say, this is why. I am just one of MANY!!!
They are an elite society of true Libertines. I have nothing against Libertinism as a thought experiment as long as you respect the life, rights, and boundaries of others particularly women an children. But that goes against the belief system of traditional Libertinism, they want what they want, when they want it, how they want it. And they expect everyone to obey them. They are disgusting in every way! They worship people like the Marquis De Sade because they believe we are all born with our purpose within us, good or evil. They believe that we are destined to be who we are and that instead of working to change for the better, we should embrace our fate. Anyone who does not believe as they do is considered a threat and an enemy. Some of the new thinkers among them, my handlers included, believed we could change our destinies. There weren’t many back then who embraced that line of thinking and those who did were ostracized in the open and embraced quietly. The one positive thing that my handlers did do was foster the idea of expanding the consciousness of ALL. But they took it too far with, by any means.
Anything that didn’t keep them in total control, they always reject. There is no other way for them and they will accept no information that counteracts their absolute supremacy. 2020 truly should have shown the world how powerful, disturbed, and determined these extremists truly are. The world is living the results of their behaviors today and there is no plan for correcting any of the irreversible damage that has been done. It’s almost 2022, saying that we are pushing it to the limit is an under statement. Is it worth the gamble? There is no planet B and the most valuable resources this planet has is often tossed away for the sake of the lie of white supremacy. So I ask again, is the gamble worth it? United Nations
To him every gamble was worth it was because he got to live out every fantasy he ever had. Both handlers felt the same. Everyone in the circle feels the same. They never have to face consequences, he made sure of that. They get every deviant desire fulfilled and no one has to even face shame for it. There is no guilt because in their society, they are Gods, we are ants. Why would anyone willingly want to go back to this kind of world? How many civilizations have to be toppled before people finally understand that deviant feasting like beasts and cannibals is not the best path for humanity? If it’s not sustainable for life and the planet, it should never again be considered a viable solution. This should be true for everything.
Corporations are not the most valuable asset this planet has, life is. Let’s make choices as if we are enlightened enough to understand that. It’s 10.16.21 and I have yet to receive a single penny of direct COVID cash relief. I have yet to receive a single payment of my contract, or a penny of disability aid. I have not received any form of unredacted education credentials, and aid from public assistance continues to be cut off. When will my humanity matter to humanity? What about MY children? UN Human Rights Human Rights Watch Progressive Caucus
Before COVID 22% of the Black Community was trapped in poverty under the weight of tyranny and oppression. I shudder to think what that number is today. I can only describe the conditions I face with my children every day, and they are dire. NAACP Black Lives Matter Global Network
I was the only person my handler ever trusted to be in public with and openly tipsy, because he knew he had so much control over me that I would always have his back. It was his safety he was concerned with. Would someone sneak up on him from behind, would someone slip something into his drink, blow powder in his face, use a high-powered weapon, or even something as simple as a blow dart. He was always hyper-vigilant and he programmed me to be the same way, on his behalf. The problems they both laid on me were insurmountable, I did my best anyway. Pretending that I don’t exist and thinking I will go away is naïve. HE TRUSTED NO ONE, but he trusted me. What does that tell you about who he had faith would tell the truth and do the correct thing in the end? “If I ever lose faith in you then it’s all over because there would be nothing left for me.” I was about eight years old when he told me that. He made it a mantra. It wasn’t because he knew he would break me. It was because he knew if neither of them could, no one else ever would!
Honor my contract, and balance the scales.
WE ALL MATTER!
