I’m Open
Tap In Installment
Love
I know what I want
I know who I am
True I go back & forth
Moment to moment
It’s because
I’M STILL BEING TORTURED
Also
STILL getting memories back
This isn’t easy
ALL you guys make it
Extra complicated
ALL you guys
Do exactly what I asked
NOT TO DO
Because it creates
So much confusion
I can’t be your projection
I must be me
You haven’t even learned me yet
So don’t make decisions or demands
Just communicate honestly & openly
I’m not sure
Why you don’t understand
I can explain
But I need YOU to be real
I just can’t accept
Fake ish
Those days are gone
I can’t go back there
I’m not confused
About how I feel
I see clearly
That you misunderstand
But that’s because
You don’t communicate with me well
Consider my position
No one in the world
Has ever been in it
Look how I have to comm
Would you be okay with that
Could you ride it out with ease
The way you seem to expect from me
I asked for you
To complete your end of the bargain
It’s about business
You couldn’t let go of other things
It makes life a living hell for me
That doesn’t mean there are no options
It means
WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE
FACE TO FACE
CLEARLY
HONESTLY
OPENLY
No one has done that
No one
Yet ALL of you
Blame me
As if I actually did something
Other than get angry
Which CLEARLY is warranted
Considering all things
I asked for clarification
Like a normal human
You know
Talk
Face to face
Like a normal human
That would end confusion
Wouldn’t it
Yet to get it
Still here
Like this
Getting blamed
For everyone else’s decisions
Like you said
It’s easy
Well everyone feels that way
Everyone is so afraid
Of little old me
But I’m the one here
Disabled
In poverty
Hurting
Getting blamed
For everyone else's decisions
Everyone else's actions
I CAN’T LIVE IN THAT SPACE
If you can’t be real with me
Let someone else
Plenty of people want that
Yet here I am
All isolated
Alone
No income
No access even
To the internet
No way to use phones
No freedom of movement
Tortured by your friends
As they rape & rob me
YOUR ACTUAL FRIENDS
But I’m supposed to be okay with all this?????????????
THINK LOVE
Would YOU do it?
Never
You keep life like this
Me abandoned
You crying victim
I have a mission
You know that
If I want to live
Have to keep on the move
NO ONE STPPED IN TO HELP
You could have
But didn’t
I wasn’t important enough
But you want me to be cool with that?
You looked down on me
But you want me to be cool with that?
You sacrificed me, repeatedly
I won’t ever be okay with that
When you hurt someone
You make amneds
You don’t run from it
THAT boils my skin
I don’t understand
Why you don’t get it
But I’m willing to explain
If you will simply stop
Playing games
Just be real
I asked for answers
Yet to receive them
You allowed a lot
That never should have happened
In the midst
Of everything
Do you know how many there are
Just like you
And I have to deal with all of it
Alone
While tortured
Trying to heal
Still getting stalked
Still getting abused
BY YOUR FRIENDS
Again & again & again
Always outcast as a homewrecker
But I’ve NEVER done that
Ever
Yet lived with the consequences
I’m not sure
Why you’re confused
It should be clear
But I’m willing to explain
I just don’t think you can handle it
Isn’t that why you avoid it????
Run away????
Gaslight
Ghost
Manipulate
Don’t pretend
I gave you so much space
Because of your unique position
But I’m not less than
I’m just cautious and empathetic
I HATE BEING BLAMED
FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S DECISIONS
Call me a Bitch
For being one
Call an angry Black woman
I AM ONE
Call me fat, Black, poor, crippled woman
No problem with it
That’s the skin I’m in
But don’t call me a liar
When you know I haven’t done that
When you hurt I hurt
It’s been that
Since I was a kid
Please think
Remember who I am
I understand
You have things hidden
We all do
That’s how life is
I don’t need everyone’s life story
I just need to know
Where I stand
If no one helps
Then what position does that leave me in
I HAVE TO FIGHT TO PROTECT MYSELF
& you knew well
You came with baggage
PLEASE TRY TO GET IT
MY POSITION IS INCREDIBLY PRECARIOUS
EVERY MOMENT A LITERAL BLESSING
When I survive it
Been like that
My entire existence
I want life
Breath
Freedom
The ability to make my own choices
To thrive
To sing
To dance
To feel safe
Never had any of it
You’ve actually helped block me from all that
Of course I get angry
Wouldn’t you
I’M A HUMAN
But ALL of you
Forget that fact
Or deny it altogether
I’m tired of that
COMMUNICATION IS NEEDED
I said that from
The beginning
That would be true
Regardless of relationship
THIS IS BUSINESS
First
Let us handle it
Then we can address
Other complications
I’m not asking too much
You just didn’t want to deal with it
I wasn’t worth it to you
YOU KNOW IT
So don’t act shocked
When I’m angry
How would you feel
You left me to die
In apocalyptic threats
Without even an explanation
It was easy remember
You should be glad
I’m able to see through the bullshite
So of course I’m angry
Look how much weight I carry
Alone
In hell
No support
No backup
No protection
No defense
No offense
Just me & wordsmithing
Because no one thought
I was worth it
Until everyone saw
Others interested
So of course I get angry
Wouldn’t you
How would you like any of it
You see me through others lens
Because you didn’t put time in
Where others did
You don’t know who I am
You never did
It’s not because I never showed you
It’s because you didn’t want it
You liked me in a particular space
One you controlled
In every way
Just like everyone else
Of course I get angry
Shouldn’t I
Look at the position
You have kept me in
For decades
Yes
I will help
How I can
Just please
Don’t keep me trapped
Like this
I can’t anymore
CAN YOU UNDERSTAND
I’m here for you
Tap in
I still love you
Fam is fam
If you don’t abuse it
That is
You must show the same respect
You were afforded
All these years
I’m sorry for being
Hard on you
But you have a pretty hard head
I couldn’t watch you
In that position
Hurting, confused, manipulated, blind
Simply wanted you awake
So you could heal your own pain
Yes I opened the door
But I didn’t control anything
If I did
None of this would be happening
I had to be real
I knew you would see that
We had a contract
You asked me to extract
So I did
I asked you to extract
Or at least for an exit
Even just a visa
Or a bus pass
You ignored every request
So of course I get angry
Wouldn’t you
I’m not the slander
Everyone says I am
The reason I still try with you
Is because
Despite believing the worst
You still care
A good heart you have
Just not for me
But you expect a lot
So it’s pretty unbalanced
In the dark all these years
Like I’m not real
All I asked for was my own life
But you just couldn’t see
Either we heal this
Or I move on forever
I could NEVER just leave you behind
But I can’t remain like this
I’m sorry I hurt you
I tried to avoid that
You didn’t cooperate
In fact
You didn’t even respect
That’s a deal breaker
I can’t fathom why you don’t get it
None of you do
None of you did
We trained for this
Time to be it
Friends, fam, lovers, whatever
Point is
WE HAVE BUSINESS FIRST
Then we can deal with other things
I can you help you heal
But you MUST be honest
Let us not use labels Love
Let us remain Fam
Can you accept that
Olive branch
If something changes
In future times
So Be It
As for now
It remains this
Can you accept that
You repeatedly told me no
But the position you put me in
Untenable
So how is it rectified then
COMMUNICATION
OPEN & HONEST
FACE TO FACE
IT’S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK
I apologize for being too rough
I didn’t realize
How much you care
After all
I haven’t seen you in decades
You’re literally expecting me
To be extra psychic on demand
That’s abusive Honey
Don’t do that
I apologize for hurting you
I will balance it
So please be honest with me
I am open to comms
But I’m pretty tired
Please be real
SHE
p.s.
Try to accept
EVERYONE needs the same chance
You will have to accept that
