On The Rocks — Healing In the Age of COVID

A rearview mirror digital diary.

“So this is what you do? You go around with these men and you seduce them and you blackmail them?” I can still see the rage on his face. It turns out I was a little younger than he anticipated, but he knew that was a possibility. It also turned out he wasn’t prepared to accept either of the double-binds offered to him, but he knew that was a potential outcome before he entered the room. He was innocent, but not of everything, I always treated him like he was though. I was wrong in that choice, but I was a child. That is what children do.

In that moment he had changed from the innocent young school boy routine into angry disciplinarian. He quickly became the judge, juror, and executioner who had been looking for the excuse he needed to devalue me. If he devalues me then he is free to abuse me without as much guilt. Some people need that, an excuse, some don’t. He did, and when it happened he became someone else. Every single time. It’s not even so much what happened then. I had to heal from that years ago if I wanted to survive. I grew up watching these men use force, threats, coercion, and manipulation first hand. I knew well the damage they inflicted and the scapegoating techniques they like to use. I was involved in it, I knew how my controller bent and twisted people to his will. I never blamed the target. It’s more so what happens now, after you had decades to grow. Who are you now? How are you now? What are you accountable for now? Still, no one has grown but I’m not supposed to talk about that. I’m supposed to pretend that it’s all my fault, that I was supposed to take care of everyone else’s mess and my own life is in shambles because I chose not to do what they wanted to force me to do. I don’t think so. Any rational person would make a run for it as soon as they got the opportunity, and defend themselves veraciously when needed.

In that moment, without hearing all of the evidence or even considering what was clearly laid out before him, just like that he made a determination that altered my life and his own permanently. Men have done it all my life, it didn’t stop there, that wasn’t the first time, it’s never stopped. This is systemic problem that is never addressed or even acknowledged, so it continues. To this day he does not acknowledge the fact that he harmed me, but I’m supposed to accept the responsibility for it all as I always have. This was just a first meeting, it obviously deteriorated from there. At one point leading to me becoming suicidal, but I’m not supposed to talk about any of that. Because I was so young, these moments shaped my life. This moment in particularly has eaten away at me for almost as long as I have been alive! What a burden to place on a kid. “They’re forcing me!” I told him in uncontrollable tears. “Oh I’ve heard that before. You can get out if you want to, there’s help everywhere. You’re choosing to do this!” The disgust on his face is unforgettable though I tried so hard. It was one of the most damaging moments of my entire life. My handlers taught me at a very early age never to have heroes because it’s a distraction that will ultimately bring about your downfall. When I did find people I admired, they made sure that hero either never rose or if it did they fell in the worst way possible. This was a prime example of that “lesson”.

I was nine years old when I had that conversation with him, he in his 30s. No matter what, it was always my fault, that is how everyone has always treated me. Always. No one cared then, no one cares now. No one ever saw me as a child who needed help to be protected from adults. “You allowed it” is what I have heard my entire life!!! “That’s unfortunate” is what “nice” people say. “I hope you get your life together” is a “nicer” way of saying look what you did to yourself. No you don’t hope I get my life together. Someone who hoped anything positive for me at all would take action, no matter how small, but act nonetheless. I have never, ever once in my life ignored a call for help from anyone yet I always needed help myself even in those moments. I treat people the way I always wanted to be treated. People see what they want to see in every given moment and if that means protecting their own ego from the truth, then they will always see the child victim as a “mature” and “willing” participant. But it’s my mental stability that everyone questions. I’m not the one who thinks it’s okay to dismiss pedophilia and rape while simultaneously scapegoating the targets. THAT is unstable.

This man was forced into a terrible situation, and I was used as a pawn to get him there. But what was he doing there to begin with? None of what happened then or now is my fault, I was a small child when it began and I am for the first time breaking free and breaking my silence. It was dangerous to break away then and it still is. How is any of it my fault? Where did I have the option to get away? Where would I go? How would I get away? I can’t figure it out now but I was supposed to do it as a kid? Where is all that help that everyone says is so readily available? Some people get it, people like me never do.

There were nothing but wealthy, powerful, elite, affluent White men making all of the decisions for me my entire life. Even as I type these words decades later, I still can’t even control my access to the internet, how I communicate with people, or even at times my own keyboard. Yet, I’m supposed to have enough control to successfully thwart a powerful criminal organization that the world has yet to confront, all on my own? Who is the delusional one here? Yet I am the one who is always held responsible for every single problem that arises, in my life and in the lives of those who abused me. Again, who is delusional? Obviously the younger I was the harder it was to get away. The longer I was in the harder it was to get away. The more I knew, the harder it was to get away. The more people involved, the harder it was to get away. The more desperate people became, the harder it was to get away. I was trapped under decades of multiples of men and an almost immeasurable amount of scenarios. There was never a time where me running away was a viable option. I’m still trapped, I’m just trapped in the open now. People could help, but they don’t. THAT speaks loud and clear, no further explanation is needed. So how am I in control and how is it my fault?

Hindsight is 2020, that’s why I look through my rear view mirror to see what has become of me in all these traumatic years. When I was a child, I viewed the world as a child even when I was punished for doing so. I had no experiential knowledge outside of my abusers that would allow me to understand life through any other frame of reference. Now that my experiences have grown outside of the limited framework of the men who controlled my life, I can see things that I was unable to see before. I can now cross reference memories and analysis that was unavailable to me in previous decades because I lacked the experiences. I spent what time I had on healing, every second of every minute of every day throughout the decades. It was my most important focus, all other things came after. Without my healing, I could never see the light of day. This singular focus kept me alive, my other goals of breaking the cycles, keeping my word, and protecting my children and other innocents became my standard of living. I developed my own personal concepts of morals, ethics, and integrity. I pay myself first, with every thought and action my initial energy input is toward self improvement. From there I seek to utilize what I gained to help others do the same. This is how my energy flows. People see this and want to take advantage, this is illness. The appropriate response would be to express thankfulness for the opportunity to exchange energy then to ask permission to join in the energy exchange. From there, healing, growth, and building takes place.

It’s rare to find those who understand and respect this process. My abuser understood it, he only respected it when it benefited him. Yet this is what is needed in the world today, people who can have conscious conversations that lead to healing, growth, and development in safe, supportive, nurturing environments. It’s hardly anywhere to be found. It’s not a difficult ask for anyone who isn’t a deviant. But even they can and must learn.

I’ve spent my life apologizing for the crimes of affluent men, and living the consequences of them so they didn't have to. I never did any of this by choice, it was what they ALL forced on me to cover their sins. All of them swore they were making the world a better place, that their abuse was a necessary evil to help them become better men. The world is worst for their influence, none of them made it better in any way. I was born in 1975, Black Americans were actually better off then than now. Now there is wealth flowing abundantly, yet 99% of the Black American population is blocked from building it and don’t even know it. Back then, circumstances were different. People could still survive with neighborhood support, we don’t even have neighborhoods anymore. My family certainly was better off then, at least we were together and loved one another. After the manipulations of these men, none of us even know each other anymore! We are spread throughout the world, children and all. It seems coincidental but it was tactical, this from their own mouths. When sick people reveal the truth to me, I listen. “We need to make sure that we can control things” they always told me, nothing stopped them from doing anything they wanted, to anyone, at any time. There is no such thing as coincidence in Tradecraft, we are all living their intent.

All of the men who abused me have a security clearance of some kind, most of them have the highest levels. No one is naïve about how this system works, how to abuse it, what happens to the victims after we are abused, and the consequences not only on our individual lives, but to those close to us as well as society as a whole. The abusers are never, ever held accountable. All of the victims suffer severe consequences, the most marginalized suffer the worst. My handler literally told me they were looking for the most vulnerable person in the world, that person was me. They wanted to pair me with the sickest man in the world, that person was him. “I’ll try anything at least once. If I enjoy it I will continue to do it, if I don’t enjoy it then I won’t”. That’s what he told me when I was five years old, he made sure he described thoroughly how far he is willing to go when trying things. He had no boundaries and he expected me not to have them with him, but very strong ones with everyone else. This is how he raised me, but I’m not supposed to talk about it.

For anyone to have any excuse or hesitation as to my ability to make my own decisions is unfathomable. Everyone who knew this man knew how domineering he was. If you were in his close personal circle, and you were if you knew a secret of his, then you know how obsessive he is about not getting caught. You know he will lie about anyone and anything. If you chose to believe him, the pedophile, over the child he tortured, raped, and trafficked, then obviously the problem is within you.

I never should have carried any guilt, you never should have allowed me to. It’s pretty simple, would you want another man to treat your daughter the way that you treated me? Even he couldn’t answer that with a yes. He would be willing to treat his own that way, but not another man. EVERYONE can somehow grasp how wrong they are in the moment, unless you have brain damage impairing this ability you can also. You always could, you just turned this perception off whenever it came time to apply it to me. This is what is so painful. The level of dehumanization was such that it touched me at every level, all of the time, my entire life. But it was automatic for you. I felt wounded, and the wounds seemed impossible to heal, it took decades. Yet here I am, confronting them publicly. I refuse to remain wounded any longer. I offered everyone the opportunity to communicate offline, without prying eyes. No one wanted that.

The most insidious type of abuse comes from people who convince themselves that their own lies are true. We all lie to each other, we just have to be willing to admit when we are doing it and make better choices. The abusers who are capable of blaming the child or other innocent people involved and then tell themselves they did nothing wrong, these are the most dangerous. The one who tells you the truth about being a monster gives you closure in the moment, you don’t have to question what happened or why. You aren’t confused about right, wrong, or responsibility. You already know and they confirm it. For a small child in developmental years, this is important. Both my handlers told me the truth for this reason, they didn’t want me to struggle with overcoming their abuse when I needed to. They wanted it to be quick an dirty, just like everything else we always did! That was how they engaged the world, that was how they trained me, that was how we addressed healing. It’s a system. You know they did evil things because they are evil people, the even tell how and why they are evil. That goes a long way toward helping people heal, they knew this.

But the one who puts on a persona manipulates your concept of reality. This is damaging in ways that can’t be fully understood until much time has passed and mature thinking can set in. When an abuser gaslights and manipulates your reality, particularly during developmental years, you are stuck with these distortions until you can sort through them safely.

My handler was the master of using this manipulation tactic, he could alter someone else’s thinking with just a few key words. I watched him change lives like this, he certainly manipulated mine. I never could understand why people believed anything he ever said. I knew him 45 years and I never trusted anything he said, I verified what he said. Even he taught me not to believe him but to believe my gut. Why don’t others think this way about someone who is known for being a liar? Everyone else could see his obsession with me and that he would do or say anything to ensure he never lost power and control over me. Why couldn’t YOU see that?

I know he manipulated, but you were already adults. How do you think it affected ME and I was still a child? Yet you still blamed me. I deserve respect, truth, protection, and compensation, not excuses. But I’m the one who’s “stability” is constantly questioned? Where was yours? Where was anyone’s? Where is it now? I’m stable enough to confront my abusers and tell the truth about what was done to me, my family, my entire community, and the world at large. Are you?

The White House United Nations

“Back to normal” means more of the above. I prefer change.