Surviving The True Super Predators
“I thought I told you not to wear that,” he said angrily. I can still see his face. He always hated when I didn’t obey him implicitly. “I need to talk to you,” I said. I knew if I wore that he would show up. “What’s wrong,” he asked calmly, pleased that I “needed” him for something and he could then take advantage of the situation. I had to obtain his permission on everything. He gave me an extensive list of protocols to follow when I was very young. I spent my developmental years learning his demands, memorizing them, then executing them at his will. By that time I wasn’t reconciled to the life I was living, I was just determined to gain access to some level of happiness until I could do better. Every moment of every day was like walking a tightrope between his unstable mind and preserving my life. It was dizzying, but that’s how he liked it. An exhausted, overwhelmed, disoriented, and burdened mind is easier to control. He LOVED to hold me in that space, it made him feel the superiority he always said he had but knew he didn’t. Typical narcissist but he was also a sadist, the torture is far worst under those circumstances.
When I told him the situation he was pleased that I followed his orders and he proceeded to give more commands and of course, abuse followed. I was fourteen years old. I should have been able to play sports, go to concerts, spend time with my friends, do normal teen things. Instead, every moment was spent worrying about what he will think, how will he react, what will he do, what will he allow me to do, what am I going to do, what will he tell my family? Everything centered on him, he would accept nothing less and punished me brutally if I fell short of his expectation. He wanted me submissive, to him, there were no other options.
I wasn’t even wearing anything unusual. My entire body was covered, I had normal tights, a normal jumpsuit, a normal shirt, normal shoes. None of my clothing was tight, loose, or revealing. It simply reminded him of a school uniform and he didn’t want anyone else to see it. He had cronies that followed me my entire life, in cars, helicopters, boats, on foot, in planes. The people he was surrounded by were all just as sick as he was, some even more so. They would catch a glimpse of someone and instantly become obsessed. There have been people who have traveled from other countries to stalk me and it was ALWAYS because of some situation he put me in that triggered the unstable conditions. It’s been such a common occurrence in my life that I am only just now able to look back and give language to, in hindsight. I couldn’t process all of this trauma fully as a child, no one can. Our brains aren’t even completely developed yet, he knew that and exploited it. As you get older your brain changes, your awareness changes, the way you process information and apply what you know changes. He knew all of this, he developed a unique, sadistic, power and control torture program for me to ensure that he could manipulate ‘that process as I developed. “You won’t be able to forget me” he used to say. “I want to mold you to fit me, I want you to be clay in my hands,” he told me when I was four and five. He was very serious, in every way. He controlled my weight, my appearance, my clothes, where I live, how I walk, how I talk, how I communicate with everyone, who I was around, even every detail of my home. He took actual science, highly classified science, developed technology, and had laws changed so that he could do what he wanted and he never had to use a penny of his own money. He used tax dollars the whole time. No one cared. When I asked why none of that money ever went to me or my family he would grimace and say “that’s not appropriate”. When people gave me money, or when I earned money, he took it. “You don’t know what to do with it” he would say. He never let up control until he died and he even made sure other controllers could continue his abuse. People like submissives, that’s how he marketed me. But that has never been who I am, it’s how I survived him.
“You looked afraid when you saw me, why?” I asked. “I told you that you were being followed,” he only liked to say it once and he hated having to repeat himself at all. Even if only once, this is how I grew up! “But I thought that guy went away”? I was always confused, always looking for information, assistance, guidance. He always abused his position. He never stopped hiding information about my own life and I never knew more than he allowed me to know. “He did, but there are others,” he said. “Is he still a threat?” I asked terrified of what all of this would mean. “No he’s gone,” he said, and that meant death. I never questioned beyond that, we spoke in code and never moved beyond those boundaries. My life always depended on sticking to the code precisely. “So are the others going to be a problem,” I asked. He was distracted and simply said, “I’ll take care of it”. That was all the discussion we had about it. I’ve been under threat my entire life, all because of him. No one ever cared, it’s always been a battle I had to fight on my own. So I do!
There were times when people were trying to kill me and I didn’t even know. Either he or one of his cronies would tell me, or catch them in the act. I have escaped more kidnappings than I can remember. I am only now realizing how often these attacks happened, how he benefitted from them, and how difficult it was to survive. “I’ll take care of it” he always said. He did, each time obviously. But living that way is a nightmare that he felt I should be willing to experience, for his sake. Forcing a child to grow up that way because a deviant decides that’s how it should be is literally the sickest thing I have seen from humanity.
He was an expert in torture and he studied trauma bonds thoroughly. He knew well what he was doing, it was all intentional manipulation to keep me terrified, unstable, malleable, and compliant. That’s what he said he wanted from me when I was four years old, and that’s what he did until he died. Keeping me in a place of lack, need, want, and having to constantly rely on him for survival was his strategy and he felt completely entitled to do it. He was given the power and authority, full immunity, full funding, he lived like a God so no wonder he thought he was one. No one ever cared about what it was doing to my life, or anyone else's for that matter. Most people blamed me then and still do now. He was only one of several controllers, I had to obey them all. All my life I watched people drop like flies when they tried to interfere, there has never ever been a doubt that they are all willing to kill to me hide their secrets and they never let me forget it. I’ve lived with this reality my entire life, not only do people call it fake but they say I “did it to myself”.
People have no idea how difficult it is to survive and possibly get away from a controlling man. I have yet to find resources that could help me escape, survive, or even just rise above it all. I have searched, begged for them, cried out for help, and nagged people who could help at least in some way. No one responds. Rarely did I ever find a person who thought that I was a human being violated and in need of support, none of that has changed.
I will never understand how people can look at a person suffering and judge them for it. Everyone assumes they knew so much about life, people, society, America, the world. But people have no idea they were engulfed in propaganda their whole lives and can’t see clearly until they let go of its grip. I grew up watching these men manipulate the world, distorting fact and truth into slander and lies that target the vulnerable and elevate the elite. They rearranged the world to give predators all of the power and control, and there are for more now than have ever existed before. That was the agenda. The whole planet is living the consequences of their sickness, and most have no idea this is true. If he can do that to an entire planet, what do you think he did to me? I’m not the one who is delusional, I’m the one trying to survive the delusions.
The voices of victims are silenced because we know the truth, and for no other reason. Oppressing targets of predators ensures that they always have total power and control not only over the narrative but all outcomes. Why would anyone support that?
America must do better. The World must do better.
