That Wasn’t What He Meant
Surviving abuse.
“I’ll feed you to my mattress,” he told me. I was five years old, I envisioned a mattress turning into a monster and swallowing me up forever. That wasn’t what he meant. “What do you mean”, I asked. After he stopped smirking, drooling, and imagining what that we be like, he told me. He always wanted me to be inside of his mind, to be one with him, to know him inside and out. It wasn’t just because he wanted to train me or to use me as an object, though both are true. What was more important to him was his loneliness. “You’re my only friend” he used to say. It’s probably a line he tells all people he manipulates, I know of at least three others who believed the same. But with me, I actually did have to learn all of him, without exception. If I shied away or was repulsed in any way he felt justified in torturing me. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I can’t let go”, I grew up hearing that. Even into adulthood, he still felt the same, demanded the same. Decade after decade. The way in which he addressed that “need” to “feel” certain things changed, particularly with technology. But the obsessive need of being in my presence somehow never went away. His addiction to controlling my life never went away. His serial-killer (like) tendencies didn’t get better over time, they grew worse. What do you think happens when you empower someone to embrace their deepest, darkest demons? Most can’t resist, he certainly could not.
He felt like a victim, and in a sense he was. He certainly was in his own story. In his mind, I was the villain of his story because I couldn’t just give him what he wanted. He believed that I should allow myself to surrender to his every whim, his every word, his every order. A slave. A sex slave. A work slave. A house slave. A slave. Why would I be willing to submit to that? He wanted me to be broken, he became very angry when it didn’t work. He used every torture tactic in his repertoire, I continued to find solutions to maintain as much inner strength as I could. I finally confronted him, publicly, while my information was being leaked ironically because of him, it was the only opportunity I had to break free. So I did! Why wouldn’t I?
For 45 years he kept me enslaved, he claimed I was disloyal for not obeying more. He abused and tortured me because I refused to conform. “You aren’t allowed to say no, what I want is what will be. If you say no you will be punished, you will eventually learn not to say no to me”. That’s how he raised me like I was Pavlov’s dog. But I’m the one who is unstable? Very few people questioned his behavior, few still attempted to hold him accountable, no one has been able to stop him and his cronies. I have suffered the consequences for all of that my whole life, but I’m supposed to accept that this is the way it’s supposed to be? I’m supposed to accept the consequences of their deviance? I’m supposed to allow people to treat me like I am delusional and lack accountability? That the problem is that I am lazy, mentally ill, and refuse to address my problems? THAT is the constant message I receive from all of society because NO ONE CARES! NO ONE SEES ME! NO ONE SEES THE TRUTH! NO ONE CARES TO EVEN LOOK! That’s absolute insanity, anyone who thinks that way needs to be checked out immediately. I don’t care what anyone says! I am not going to allow anyone to abuse me, nor will I abuse myself because it makes YOU feel comfortable to stick to YOUR cognitive dissonance. No thank you! How about YOU face the truth or stay away from me! My human rights matter just like anyone else's, I will defend myself and my loved ones until the day I draw my last breath, I will not allow anyone to slander me and I will fight back every step of the way. Why shouldn’t I? For 46 years I have been held back from speaking the truth, I refuse to stop now!
He was allowed to do the most heinous things ever, to small children. No one ever held him or any of his partners accountable. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM! Those who commit these atrocities are, those who support them are, those who maintain the system that fails to hold them accountable are, those that blame the victim and abuse the survivor are. It’s not rocket science, it’s oppression. Pay attention. He said a lot of things, all of the time. But do you truly understand what he meant? Few do, not because it’s difficult to understand, but because no one cares to look.
Do better.
United Nations #generationequality #metoo
