2D

My handler used to do this thing where he would force our unit to fight each other. This was training. Most were adults, I wasn’t. Everyone in my unit knew who I was, no one else did. He gave me a different scenario for everything and I constantly had to adapt. “If you’re going to be at my side you have to do what I do and more, that is my expectation. You have to achieve at least what I have by the time you reach adulthood then build from there.” He was an extremely accomplished man, in many ways. I didn’t have the option of not meeting his expectations, whatever he said was a literal command. “You will give everything 1,000% every time or suffer the consequences!” He was extremely controlling, demanding, and sadistic. Humans fight to survive until they can’t anymore.

Women have a tendency to minimize abuse, I have done that for 46 years. I never minimize the abuse of other survivors though, only my own. I tend to fight for others the way that I wish others had fought for me. That was his expectation, to remain hidden. Even when surrounded by resources, I was unable to utilize them in any way other than how he “expected”. It wasn’t just because of fear, it was because his reach was unlimited. He has had eyes and ears on me my entire life. I was never able to even blow my nose without him knowing the biochemical makeup of the contents that came out of it, we discussed EVERYTHING all of the time. People have no idea how invasive, controlling, dominating, and manipulative he was until his last breath. Eyes and ears don’t even disappear when he does! But I’m left managing the consequences of all of it because from his standpoint “YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF DANIELLE!” He rarely used my name.

Every day I realize more and more how blessed I am to have made it out alive. Many don’t. I managed to make it out with my mind, love in my heart, courage, fortitude in the face of extreme odds, and a desire to free others. I am so grateful that I can be me again, I haven’t been me in more than 20 years. If you haven’t lived like me, you can’t understand. But there are many of us out there, all with our own unique stories and experiences but ultimately the same outcome. Traumatized from the pain of torture and having to fight our way out of it! His reach was unparalleled.

It was difficult for him during those days to get warriors to hit a woman let alone a little girl. He told them whatever he needed to in order for it to work. “She’s an alien, she’s a demon, she’s a threat to the country, she’s a threat to our race, she’s a threat to the world, she’s genetically modified to kill, she’s not human, she’s from a sub-species, she’s a hybrid, she’s an android.” He had to adjust his narrative to suit the audience, but the most common label he attached my identity to was “she’s advanced Ai and it’s classified so you can never speak of it.” NO ONE flinched an inch when he said that, ever! They may have panicked on the inside but never showed it on the outside. He only surrounded himself with people who feared him or lusted after him. People he couldn’t control, if you were a threat to his power and control in any way he eliminated you. He decided carefully how that elimination would occur, it may be your career, your finances, your reputation, your family life, your property, or your life. Whatever he felt was the best possible scenario for his own personal agenda. He ran an entire company that elite people hire to do exactly this because he became known for being “That Guy!” I watched him morph into a multi-million dollar professional cleaner, right before my eyes. It was literally like taking quantum leaps and stepping into a whole other dimension with this guy!

It’s 46 years later and I’m still screaming that I AM HUMAN and no one cares. He told me my entire life it would be this way, that doesn’t make it any less infuriating. You have to start to tweak your perception a little to understand his reach. No, he was never all-powerful he was powerfully manipulative, empowered with full immunity, had access to unlimited funding, and power to do whatever the hell he wanted to me. That’s pretty powerful and that is exactly why he felt like “GOD!” My entire life all I ever heard was “I AM your God!” Can you imagine this level of narcissism? It was total and complete engulfment, constantly, in systematic cycles. He was the definition of a genius gone insane. “WHY CAN’T YOU GET OVER IT” people always say. I am, literally, but it’s a lot! lol

This is a process and I no longer have the psychic energy to devote to anything other than my own health and my responsibilities. I used to spend time teaching people what trauma feels like, where it comes from, and why it cannot be ignored. I don’t have the time for that anymore. It’s all about simply purging what’s inside, processing it, and moving on. Let the accountability chips fall where they lay.

He was put on an ankle monitor twice that I can remember. He was put on enhanced monitoring where he had units following him. He would get in trouble and have to stay away for extended periods. It wasn’t just me, he got in trouble for other people he hurt. People knew about him, people know now. Yet, he’s still HIGHLY protected and favored though he is dead.

Nothing stopped him. He was so obsessed that he wanted me to die with him. He truly believed that he could carry me into the underworld with him and into the next life. He took me all over the world to speak with spiritual gurus from every corner of the globe to talk about the prophecies in their sacred texts. I watched him kill people, villages, sacred people. He actually valued them greatly but he valued himself and his own vision more than anything else, he believed I was destined to be in it. He destroyed evidence EVERYWHERE he went. “Never leave a trace” he always said, “unless you actually want to get caught”. His religion was “ not getting caught” so he worshiped faithfully. “Take me to church” was literally one of my code phrases. I don’t need to explain what it meant. I was a child.

He believed we had re-incarnated many lifetimes together because we were tied together in the afterlife. Everyone he closely associated with has similar beliefs as did his mother and sister. He said that we had all reincarnated together many lifetimes and scientists were looking for proof of this. I can’t even begin to list the people I met, THE best experts in every field of the 70s, 80s, and 90s. People wear masks because it’s conditioned in us to do so. If people actually revealed their true selves, the world would be a different place.

He viewed the world spiritually, he had his own form of spirituality that he created himself developed through years of practice. People followed him! He was a cult leader who took his extreme beliefs to the elite and they absorbed it like it was “gospel”. He knew he was either insane, a scam artist, or perhaps even somewhere near the truth. But he never knew if he actually was making the correct choices, he followed his desires. I suffered for it all my life. His desires destroyed me, my family, my community, and literally permanently impacted my entire race in ways that experts have even yet to fathom. He did it all by design, he enjoyed doing it, and he raised me with full knowledge and awareness of what he was doing. “It makes the surrender sweeter” was his reason for teaching me. Literally. Yet people think I am the unstable one! You must understand this man’s reach because he has drones out there who are JUST LIKE HIM but they aren’t him. They don’t have his education, influence, training, or support. They are collateral damage and they don’t even know it!

He wasn’t God or even all-powerful. He was a powerful manipulator with unlimited resources and full immunity. The world is what it is today because of him and his cronies and I will never forget it. It wasn’t even by accident, it was fully intentional.

He believed himself to be one of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and he never let me forget it! “I will leave you to suffer and die in the end!” That’s what I grew up hearing, I thought they were threats but it seems it was his plan all along. “I want to die on top of my mistress” he would say. I was never quite clear on what he meant by that, but what I suspected is what was fulfilled. He meant it in multiple ways, and he got exactly what he wanted. He was literally the epitome of a demon yet I am the one he gave the label to and people believed it. Yes, race matters.

The label “mistress” was interchangeable for him as was “wife.” His first wife cared only to the extent that she had to be the second in control. On the field I was his first, everywhere else I was somewhere down the line. He just roamed from one supply source to another. He even called us all “supply.” I met a lot of his other victims growing up, he liked for us to be close. My heart ached for every single person he ever tortured, abused, drugged, attacked, weaponized, assaulted, killed, or harmed in any way. But I’m releasing that ache with this digital purge. I keep asking “why” all of the time, but I know. I always did, sometimes it’s just easier to get along in order to survive which is virtually impossible with someone like him. Once he made a decision he stuck to it even when he knew it wasn’t the correct decision. He had a phobia of appearing “wrong” publicly. So in order to escape him, that’s what I threw at him. People said I was the “real monster” for triggering him. Can you imagine what kind of insane power is required to make people that delusional? Sometimes they start off messed up and that just makes it easier for him/them, but not always! Sometimes there is nothing wrong with the people he targets, but after torture, it’s not so easy to remain balanced.

When he was training our unit, and he had us fight each other, it was to prove who the alpha was. I was always the apex, that was his “expectation”. It didn’t matter what I was doing, if I fell off he punished me harshly. He didn’t let me take many breaks, he worked me like an animal, he took what he wanted from me. Mind, body, soul, bone, tissue, any genetic material he claimed as his “property”. I was literally owned as “intellectual property”. Literally, I truly wish that I was exaggerating but it’s impossible to really explain this insanity without minimizing it. This is traumatic AF and yes, triggering. It’s not easy doing this, it hurts. But I know it helps me, and it helps others. So I won’t stop! I will never leave anyone behind.

“I will accept nothing less, that is what I expect” were some of the earliest words I remember him saying to me. Between the ages of 6 and 8 years old I had to defeat every human I ever fought in any way. If I didn’t, there would be consequences. I fought grown men and women, sometimes blindfolded, with my arm or leg tied, in front of observers, sometimes in the nude, in competitions, everywehre. There was no boundary with him, I did not have the option to say no or even to hesitate. I was punished if either ever happened. Twice in my life, I said no and twice I hesitated, I still suffer for it though he’s not even alive anymore.

It’s impossible to understand what any of these experiences feel like unless you have lived it yourself. Many have and never, ever disclose it to anyone. Many suffer from PTSD just like me, and for the same reasons but don’t ever get to talk about their experiences and why they are actually suffering. No one ever truly knows us! Our true selves, our core, who we truly are is always hidden even from our closest loved ones. Even from others within our groups. We have to shift, move, adapt, learn, push through, walk it off, shake it off, leave it behind, twist and contort into whatever we are pushed into. Period. We don’t get the chance to heal, not even when we are on a “break”. The chaos never ends, we are literally enslaved. Some get to live well, others like me live get stomped on. I said no twice, and hesitated twice, even once is unacceptable. I have lived ridiculous karma for someone else's abusive expectations and I refuse to accept that.

All of it has to end, not only for me but for everyone like me. There are people all over the world suffering because of men like him. Because of their lust for power! Because of their extreme beliefs. Because of their deviance. Because of their ego. Because of their refusal to accept accountability. Because of the lust for war. Because of their lies, deceit, and manipulations. Because of their apathy. Because of their selfishness. Because of their technology. “We need you to stay behind to clean up the mess that we make,” they told me. “You’re a billion-dollar machine” they used to say. We want to make sure we get our money's worth. I’m literally a human, all the money they acquired went to them. Any money I earned with them they stole. They punished me with impoverishment for standing up for my inalienable human rights. That’s called enslavement.

This is me cleaning up the mess they made. Not because they want me to, because doing so is freeing.

My whole life is not just a truth bomb, it’s literally a truth nuke! Some people avoid such words, I did too for decades. But I’m not into minimizing myself and now that I no longer can, I won’t. It’s my life, my information, my intellectual property, my body, my money. I’m not denying who I am because other people fear they may face consequences for their actions. That’s called enslavement. Honor my contract because not doing so means that all my life I have lived in enslavement. Because not doing so won’t stop me from being free or being me.

“Your job is not to allow anyone to dominate you” he raised me with. “What about you” I would ask as any kid would. “I’m different, I’m YOUR alpha.”

I know who I am, amnesia or not. The blood that runs through my veins tells me every day. I will NEVER give up my own birthright, and no one else should either. I earned what I learned through blood, sweat, tears, and forced trauma for decades. “You don’t have the option of losing” he programmed me with my entire life. I have a very rare skill set and he never let me forget it. “I’ll turn you into a cash cow,” he told me when I was about 5 I believe. He always intended to abuse me, I don’t know how this was ever a shock to anyone. His cronies never let me forget any of it. Often they were pushier than he was. He constantly got himself into trouble and came to me to get him out. He even started selling that as a damn service! I never got a penny, he made billions.

When he told me about the system he was putting into place I was between5 and 8. It didn’t take a genius to see how sick it all was. “Aren’t people going to get exploited even more than ever before? Isn’t this going to cause more trauma and sickness?” It was just triaging to him, them. “It’s nothing personal,” they all said. They all exploited the system, I am just one of many!

We can NEVER go back to “normal” because normal created that world. Why would I want that? Why would I embrace that? Why wouldn’t I fight against that? How does anyone justify wanting that world? Once you know that truth, what human would fight to preserve that???

Advocate, Activist, Artist, Survivor — This page contains graphic details about surviving torture, rape, domestic violence, systemic oppression, and trauma.