Where is that equality everyone keeps saying exists in America?

He told me he targeted my family because we are Black. He was a key figure in COINTEL-Pro operations and one of the engineers of COINTEL 2.0. He scapegoated his colleagues as being the guilty parties, but he always had tells. He was the person who taught me how to gamble and to analyze everyone’s tells. He even taught me to see his own. Why? Because he wanted me to be able to communicate with him in the most subtle ways that no one else would ever pick up on. He didn’t tell me everything though he demanded to know all about me. He was decades older and therefore his brain was not as sharp. “Out of the mouths of babes,” he always used to say. “Children aren’t jaded, their brains are like massive sponge satellites that soak up information faster than anything we have seen thus far. Even our computers can’t keep up” he taught me. “A child’s brain is the single most advanced thing in the cosmos. Everything in reality is a reflection of what the brain is capable of projecting into reality. The child’s brain does this more efficiently because they lack the damage that society does to everyone, it’s better to get them while they're young” He said.

He didn’t just want to have total control over me, he wanted total control over everyone, of course, that is the whole problem. He was a key figure in running the programs that first began developing Ai in classified spaces. He had oversight of ALL technology! All! Yes, ALL technology! That is what he was paid to do by the United States Government. No one knows this unless you had his level of classification or close enough to it that this information could be disclosed. He only ever trusted people that he could control and dominate, and that’s not everyone. If he couldn’t control you he would figure out how to assassinate your character which would destroy your career, family life, support from friends, and anything you need for survival. And this is just his perceived “competition”. He did far worst to those he had feelings for but couldn’t be open about because he wanted the picture of perfection placed upon his life. He couldn’t’ let the general public know who he really was, he would never recover from the scandal. It turns out, he also couldn’t stand the rejection.

I had experienced his vulnerability my entire life, he raised me to adapt to it. He molded me to be his support, his “ride or die”. That was literally the term he used, in 1980. It was a phrase used in the clandestine world in those days, he had strong definitions of how he wanted those parameters to be placed on what he considered to be our relationship. “Age is just a number,” he said. It was literally one of the first things he EVER said to me. I can remember hearing it from him when I was four years old, maybe even three if I try really hard. He raised me with the ideology that HE, above all else, is the most important thing I need in my life. When I had even the slightest inclination toward a different perspective, he was ruthless about killing the idea as quickly as possible. The only time I ever felt that to be true was when he put me in extremely deadly situations that only he could get me out of. I became pretty efficient at figuring my way out of those, so he always increased measures. The psychological torture was the worst for me. It’s different for everyone, some of us had the opportunity to talk about it briefly when we were very young. We learned a lot about ourselves in those moments, however fleeting. I have always tried to find some of them, I still hope to. I see some heads pop up here and there, but like me, EVERYONE is terrified of consequences. I’m just at the place in life where I have no other choice.

Looking back in my rearview mirror, I can clearly see that he was extremely delusional. I saw it then as well but as a tiny child, I couldn’t process information as quickly and efficiently as I can now. I now have a frame of reference to work from whereas when I was a child, he made sure that he was my frame of reference. Even then I could see how disturbing it all was, but there was no way out for me. Every time I hear people minimize human rights and the importance of protecting them I am taken back to the original moments where he spent all of my developmental years violating me in every imaginable way as a means of ensuring that my humanity would NEVER be recognized. The saddest fact about everything is that so many people follow his delusions right along with him! Where is that equality everyone keeps saying exists in America?

Advocate, Activist, Artist, Survivor — This page contains graphic details about surviving torture, rape, domestic violence, systemic oppression, and trauma.