Why Hide Me If It’s All Fantasy?
Who Am I America?
During the latter days of the Cold War, my unit was deployed to a location in Europe that was experiencing a genocide. After WW2, many such instances popped up often all over the world, this wasn’t unique. Most people don’t know that Hitler had been dispersing units to every corner of the world to continue his agenda, many nations took them in willingly. Some of them infiltrated countries, and many ended up eventually taking over. My area of expertise is human analysis, my unit was a very unique one, we hunted the hunters. We were a team of experts in various fields. Our unit was deployed only when the genocide reached a certain level of mass death, to deploy us was very expensive. We didn’t get deployed for “soft” matters, it was always for the most extreme cases. The modern version of my unit was deployed, here, in the U.S. after the Capital attack because that is the protocol.
Upon that deployment, I was forced to work with extremely racist and misogynistic men of a very elite special forces unit, their own country deployed them to work alongside us to tackle the genocide. I was VERY young.
My mentor prepped me before the deployment as he always did. “Are they extremists” I always asked. That was a polite way of saying are they going to rape, kill, and dismember me because I am a Black girl in what is perceived to be a “man’s world”, at the very least a “man’s job” which I was told every day, in every way. “Yes,” he was always honest because he never wanted me to fail a mission, and I never did. “You’ve been through this many times before, they will test you but you know what to do.” It’s a shame that the marginalized people are always the ones who have the responsibility of adapting to extreme deviance, but if we want to survive that is what we must do. All it would take is accountability, but no one in leadership wants that and that is why the abuses continue.
I was deployed to THEIR country to help THEM, yet both my own country and members of theirs treated me like I was less than everyone and everything. Every moment of my life was always about proving bigots wrong. Being Black in America means you don’t get the luxury of just living and being free, you have to fight for life every day. It’s different for each Black person, this is my struggle.
We briefed with all of the teams together and we were partnered up as per the ususal according to our protocols back then. My partner told me to my face that I didn’t deserve life let alone a position in a man’s world, in a man’s job, in HIS country, a White country. “We are superior, you don’t belong here,” he said. The look of hatred and disgust is what lingers behind decades after such an incidence. You may forget what day it was, what they were wearing, other things said. but you don’t forget the hate expressed in that face. “Just do your job because I always do mine” was usually my typical response. “I’m not slowing down for you” they always snapped, assuming I couldn’t do my job. “She’s just the diversity hire” was always the accusation. The entire program that created these units was built off of my back! My work, my research, my blood, sweat, tears, everything. They were never able to get the funding they needed and in fact, they were about to be shut down until I started delivering the kind of results they wanted. I didn’t have a choice in any of it, they all got rick off of all it. I’m still penniless. The funding came from my successes. No one knew except a few with a high enough clearance, “let them underestimate you” was his strategy. It worked well for my mentor, he got all the accolades and money, and when he couldn't keep it for himself he gave it to other White people, men first, sometimes women if he had to. I made sure that at every opportunity I showed them who I really am. I haven’t changed, I’m just open about who I am.
As soon as we hit hostilities, he was taken down. My “partner” that is. We weren’t minutes into the fight and he was down and out. No help to me whatsoever. I finished OUR job and saved his life. “I won’t slow down for you” is what they ALWAYS said! The truth is few could ever keep up! He wasn’t the first one I had to save, not the last, he was just the one at that moment. Not only did I have to drag him to safety, save his life, triage his wounds, and get him back to his unit, but I did it all under very heavy suppressive fire. I don’t recall how much either of us weighed, but I think he was about 185lbs. Often I was matched with people based solely on their weight, why, because I was very young. If I can recall correctly I believe he was in his late 20s. My mentor expected me to deliver in this way every time without fail, he was brutal in his discipline.
When it was all over and he was conscious again his unit begrudgingly told him how I saved his life. “Why did you do it,” he asked? He had the biggest, roundest eyes as he looked to be in actual shock, not from wounds but from the fact that I helped him. There are certain details you tend to remember in moments like that. It’s different for everyone, in this case, I remember the ghostly look of disbelief on his face, and how huge his eyes were as a confirmation of just how shocked he was that not only was I capable of doing what I did but that I chose to. “If it were me, I would have left you there,” he said. “I know, I’ve dealt with that my entire life. Why do you think I’m good at what I do, I would have died long ago if I wasn’t.” I am ALWAYS honest because when teaching moments happen, I utilize them to their fullest! “So why did you do it,” he asked crying at this point. “Because it is the correct thing to do.” Plain and simple. Life matters. Period. “Never leave a man behind, even if they are assholes,” I said with a smile. He sobbed at that point, his unit saw and heard it all. Some of them felt as he did “I’m so sorry!” I was there to help them save their country and they treated me worst than they treated their enemies. I did my job anyway, in the best possible way, because those are the standards I set for myself. I decided as a tiny child that I would NEVER be like those who abused me.
It’s true, I could have chosen to leave him behind. My mentor wouldn't have cared, he just expected me to perform in big ways however that may be. “Always leave a splash” so that he could keep getting the funding he asked for, which was limitless. (No money! Ha, what a joke!) He wasn’t interested in saving lives, he was interested in gaining power and control, and that meant being a success at everything off of my blood, sweat, and tears. Failure was NEVER an option.
My unit celebrated with me as they always did. They didn’t like me at first either but “you made your bones” they said and it was never an issue again. It was those outside of our unit who never stopped testing, attacking, judging, ridiculing, lying, scheming. I adapted.
My mentor had a quick and dirty debrief and asked what my assessment of the situation was “his unit thought I would get him killed, they were trying to murder him.” He explained that was his assessment as well and we got out of there faster than he could say “wheels up in 20.”
The chopper rides back home were always profound for reasons people can never understand. I replay every moment and analyze every detail, that’s my expertise. I see things others miss because that is what I am trained to do. By the time we ended up in full debrief, I always had intel no one else walked away with. My entire life went into my craft, every ounce of energy utilized to perform a specific duty all for the sake of the United States. All-day, every day, my entire life. If you haven’t lived it, you can’t know. THAT is the real world to people like me, not the projections depicted in media or from the lies of politicians. We do things people can’t imagine, in ways people can’t fathom, then we go home and pretend it never happened. White men are compensated VERY well for this, I have been left penniless because of racism, misogyny, and xenophobia.
My area of expertise is human analysis, every decision he made about my life was based on exploiting that specific ability. We both knew what would become of that situation after we left, and it played out as we anticipated. It wasn’t good. They were racist against people who looked just like them but were not considered to be like them, they became the new targets.
Nothing changes unless we change it. I am talking about matters that do see the light of day, but never in this way. Never by a former paramilitary operative who is a Black woman trained in a science program that started in early childhood. I am not the only one, there are many of us! I am probably the only Black female who lived to talk about it though! IDK, perhaps there are others, but I never met another from this country.
It’s August 2, 2021 and I have yet to have my contract honored, my credentials are still redacted, I am still fully disabled from injuries I sustained serving this country, and my children have grown up sacrificing alongside me. No one cares! Dragging those full-grown soldiers around for so many years really did a number on my already injured back. I have so many injuries I can’t keep up. I have yet to receive the adequate healthcare that I need to address them. I have not received a penny of social security. What disability insurance I received previously was revoked in an insurance scam. I missed the statute of limitations for filing an appeal or joining the class action lawsuit because I was so sick and couldn’t take care of myself. I was in Long Term Care and still being abused there by racists. I have yet to receive a penny of COVID cash relief. Only one person in my home has received COVID relief once and it was the man. He has not received unemployment once though he applied. I have received some utility assistance, though I am eligible for more I am still being denied. I have not received any other benefit that the U.S. is utilizing to help with COVID recovery, though I have asked repeatedly. I have reported on all of this, everyone ignores it. Every single resource that I had under Long Term Care has been taken from me illegally. I have no income, no ability to work, I can’t use telephones due to disability, my medical conditions are life-threatening, excruciatingly painful, and traumatic yet I am
and the U.S. government continues to say it doesn’t know who I am. This is exactly how my father was treated also, he died miserably from injuries.
Instead of leadership being appalled at how “patriots” are treated after decades, generations, of serving faithfully, and maintaining our oath at the highest standard, they are vacationing as we suffer and die in a weaponized pandemic claiming there is nothing they can do. The “feelings” of the elite are prioritized over the lives of all.
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